We got to talking about relationships at work. We talk about a lot of things at work because when there aren't customers and things are stocked and pretty reasonable in the clean wise (at least our counters that we are serving off of-most of the other stuff we leave for closing no sense in cleaning it over and over and over) there isn't anything other to do. Most of us carry our cell phones around for texting when we are out of view of the camera's and the GM. The mangers don't seem to care, but the GM does.
One of the managers was taking inventory over at side stand where I was (we've got three concession stands, one big one and then on the two sides-smaller ones because on weekends we get a LOT of business) and apparently an ex of hers is cheating on his current girlfriend who she knows and she knows he's cheating and who he is cheating with and what he is doing but she can't convince the girl. And the guy has cheated on everyone he's dated.
I made a harmless comment along the lines of "sounds like an asshole like my ex" and thought that was it. About fifteen minutes later, one of my co-workers asked about my ex, after the manager had left. I guess it's a pretty common question when you say someone is an asshole. Most people's curiosity leads them to want to know about the asshole things people do.
I've been asked before and usually my first comments are blow off things, to see how far they will question. My co-workers pressed. And it doesn't take me much to admit exactly what he was. He was abusive. I'm not going to lie about it and lie for him. I don't like to talk about details-exactly what he did to me I don't tell hardly anyone. It's one thing to say I was in an abusive relationship and quite another to start listing out the exacts.
I don't really mind saying I was in one. It's been years now since the relationship ended and I've come to terms with the fact that I was in one. I cannot go back in time and not date him. It's left lasting problems, which there is a possibility I'll talk about here and it's part of the reason I'm not currently looking for any sort of relationship or dating or anything. I want to make sure I'm in a place where I don't give up my identity and dignity when I enter into a relationship with someone.
I could see the news floored both my co-workers. It floors a lot of people, after they've met me. I'm not a victim. I don't act like a victim. Very rarely does something trigger me to the point where I feel flight or fight. There are some things. Usually it's someone who looks a lot like my ex, dressing like him etc, who gives off a vibe that I feel threatened by. If I smell his cologne, that's a big one, I can feel everything prickle. But it's not like all blonde men. It's a very particular look. But if you met me, most people have no idea. It usually comes to them as a shock when, very matter-of-factly, I mention that I was in an abusive relationship.
I get questions. The first always being. "Did he hit you?"
No, no, he never did. Once he shook me, but physically that was the extent of it. It was verbally, emotionally, and sexually. For a long time I didn't include the last one there. It was too embarrassing for me. I've only been admitting that for the past half a year or so. I almost didn't say it tonight. There was a pause and then it was like...no, this happened. It's better when I tell the truth. For me at least. I'm sure other survivors don't want to go that far even. As long as no one presses for details, it's not so bad.
Neither of them pressed today. I would have told them I didn't want to press it. Mostly they wanted to know how I got out. Which is an easy answer, he broke up with me. That also surprised them. But it's the truth. I wouldn't have been able to break up with him, I had wrapped my entire self up in him. My happiness was dependent on him. My identity was as his girlfriend. I needed his approval and affection more than anyone's else. Him breaking up with me was a blessing in disguise. I just didn't know it at the time.
Then people want to know how long I was with him (almost two years). And when it was (high school, my junior and senior years). Nothing that is too difficult to answer. People usually then tell me they are sorry I had to go through that. I nod, understanding that it's difficult for them to know someone who went through that. But I'm not really sorry. Was it awful? Yes. It is probably the hardest thing I've gotten through in my life. But I really know myself now. My identity is much stronger than it ever was before. It has roots. And no one is going to pull the wool over my eyes again. The rose colored glasses of love will not throw off my intuition.
There are negative side effects, for sure. But I feel that for the most part, I have worked through them. A few of them will need to be worked through when I get back into dating but judging by my personal thoughts, it should go smoothly. The majority of things-like no longer having an identity and not drawing to much attention to my own needs and wants, those have already been dealt with. I still have to re-evaluate sometimes. Sometimes I fall into a place where I need to build myself back again. That's what I worry about for relationships, which is why I don't currently have any interest to date. I don't want to end up with someone who would take advantage of those times. I'm being overly cautious but I feel it's a reasonable thing. The time between these incidents are few and far between now.
I also usually get asked if he ever contacted me after that. Which he did. For the next three years. Trying to get back together with me. Eventually I cut off communication and told him I couldn't be his friend (which I don't believe he ever wanted anyhow) and he was never to contact me again. Since then I've had one text, maybe two. I didn't read them. I know his phone number. I delete. He asks about me sometimes and then mutual friends have told me he was asking about me. I usually tell them I'm not interested.
My male co-worker said something weird, about how he thought he was abusive. I brushed it off a bit. Because I think that if you can ask that question, you aren't. If you ask that question you aren't abusive because you are paying attention to your behavior. Maybe I should have directed him to a website that states types of abuse and examples so he could have found out. But I do believe that if he was asking he probably isn't.
Abusers might not consciously call it abuse, but I don't think they question their actions. It seems natural to them. I prefer to think my ex didn't mean to abuse me. It's easier for me to deal with it in that way. But he didn't question his actions. They were natural. I brought it up to him once. After we have broken up, in that period where I was so close to being convinced to getting back together with him. SO. CLOSE. I'm amazed I didn't make a bad decision then. I mentioned my theories of abuse and he jumped to a conclusion I hadn't jumped to yet. So honestly, I think he was more aware then I'd like to think, or at least in the aftermath he has thought about it, but I still prefer to believe he didn't try to do it.
I'm glad I don't fit the preconception. Whatever these two thought a girl who had been in an abusive relationship was like. I'm not that. Which means I've come a long way. Because there was a time where I think that information would have cleared up a lot rather then seeming out of the blue. I'm quite glad to have moved into the latter. Extraordinarily happy.
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