intimidation

I don't think of myself as intimidating.

I'm not particularly tall. I don't weigh a whole heck of a lot and while I pack a bigger punch than one might think, physical appearance wise, I am not intimidating. No one is going to go running when I come into the room.

I feel blessed because I am physically pretty strong (I do ten push ups daily.) I was serious when I read the job description at my job, saw that one needed to be able to lift fifty pounds, and knew that wouldn't be a problem. I can lift seed bags. When the water bottles are stacked above my head I can still get them because I am strong enough. A half filled ice bucket is easy for me to get into the ice bins. Some of the boys keep trying to grab this stuff away from me and do it themselves. But I carry my own weight.

But looking at me, I don't look like any great superwoman. I don't look like I can do these things.

I guess I've got a fair amount of inner strength as well, I've heard it said from more than a few people, so I'll accept it as fact.

I finally got the intimidation thing today. It's not about looks. It's about the fact that I'm self assured. I have an identity. I have figured out who I am, what I believe. When I disagree with someone, I usually do it from a firm viewpoint. That's not to say I won't listen to the other person at all, I feel I have a fairly open mind, but I have no problem stating my opinion because you might not like me if I don't agree with you. I don't have to agree with you. It seems that there is something inside me that says-this is me, these are my opinions, I am not concerned about how you will view this.

I think recently this had made me more of a straight shooter. It's not that I'm not concerned about other people's feelings, but the idea of dancing around an issue to make sure no one gets hurt frustrates me. I'll let you know exactly how I feel and whether I think you are right, wrong, out of line, etc etc. I never really thought about whether this might come off harsh. Or intimidating. I guess it could. But I can't say I want to go about "improving" this habit of mine and dialing down my personality. I'm not an unkind person, I'm not lacking tact. And I feel like I would be burying myself if I try to go back to beating around the bush. Some situations obviously need finesse. i didn't quit my job by telling my manager I thought she was being unreasonable in her demands and that I didn't think she was a very good manager. I told her that I didn't think the opportunities at the company were fitting into my life. That there was no way for me to progress in this position and so it was no longer the best fit for me. It was all true, without being an attack.

But I guess if I'm already an intimidating person because of my self awareness, then when I do get pointed and direct and probably a bit bitchy, it's uncomfortable for the other person.

I'm okay with this. I would rather have people strive for self awareness than people molly cuddling.

This post is going to seem selfish and possibly a bit bitchy and I am okay with that.