Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Happy Channukah
Okay so this is being written in word but I want it to go up tonight as it's the last day of Channukah so I'm holding place with this nonsense filler. Yeah.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Impossible!
I babysit a couple of kids from when they get out of school until when their mother gets home in the evening. I don't know what religion they are, other than they aren't Christian. But they do know the nativity scene. Because the older one, as I was picking him up from school on Friday pointed out the Mary + Joseph + manager for baby Jesus and told me that it was impossible.
The reason why it was impossible?
They didn't have nails back then and so they couldn't have a manger. It was a million years ago and they didn't have nails a million years ago.
I'm not a Christian, so I can't say I care if this child believes in the nativity scene or not. That's for him to look for and decide when he gets older. But he did make some factual errors in how we count time and about the existence of nails.
I tried to explain to him that the idea was that Jesus was born only about 2000 years ago, hence why we call it two thousand and ten. The idea is that Jesus was born in the year zero. He seemed to accept this.
But then I said that even two thousand years ago they had nails, they didn't look like the nails we had today, but they still had nails. Nails have been around longer than the idea of Jesus. We've had nails for thousands of years.
That however was far too ridiculous. I was flatly told that having nails for so long was impossible. "That's ridiculous! It's impossible! Nails didn't exist back then."
The reason why it was impossible?
They didn't have nails back then and so they couldn't have a manger. It was a million years ago and they didn't have nails a million years ago.
I'm not a Christian, so I can't say I care if this child believes in the nativity scene or not. That's for him to look for and decide when he gets older. But he did make some factual errors in how we count time and about the existence of nails.
I tried to explain to him that the idea was that Jesus was born only about 2000 years ago, hence why we call it two thousand and ten. The idea is that Jesus was born in the year zero. He seemed to accept this.
But then I said that even two thousand years ago they had nails, they didn't look like the nails we had today, but they still had nails. Nails have been around longer than the idea of Jesus. We've had nails for thousands of years.
That however was far too ridiculous. I was flatly told that having nails for so long was impossible. "That's ridiculous! It's impossible! Nails didn't exist back then."
Friday, December 3, 2010
Scrooged.
I'm a big fan of Dicken's A Christmas Carol. In my family, it used to be a Christmas tradition that we would sit down and read it together in the month of December. At first it was just my mother reading to us, and then as we got older we all took turns. So I usually loved every version of A Christmas Carol that was ever made. Although generally, I like the traditional ones more, minus the Disney version in which Mickey is Bob Crachitt, love that and Disney characters aren't really all that "traditional." Although if you consider how old Mickey is these days, he might be crossing that line.
I'm not sure of how I feel about Scrooged though. I don't think it's quite the type of Christmas Carol movie I really enjoy, although I was rather distracted while watching it. I was writing and it was on TV so it had commercials and I was chatting with friends. So maybe I didn't give it enough of a chance. But I sort of feel that if I movie can't hold my attention...it's not really my fault and more the fault of the movie. Because there are some movies that I have a really hard time getting anything done at the same time as watching them because I get so into them.
It should have been amazing, as it has Bill Murry and Karen Allen, and I adore Ms. Karen Allen in surprising amounts. She's so adorable, with her smile and her giant eyes.
Overall the movie was enjoyable, but it didn't really put me in the Christmas spirit.
I did like this little gem at the end though: "We are the people we always hope we could be." Made me think of what I blogged about yesterday. Actually, his whole speech at the end was pretty good. Especially with the Claire, world, world, Claire.
She is so cute.
But if I'm looking for A Christmas Carol, I'll be sticking to my traditional one with everyone in period costumes.
I'm not sure of how I feel about Scrooged though. I don't think it's quite the type of Christmas Carol movie I really enjoy, although I was rather distracted while watching it. I was writing and it was on TV so it had commercials and I was chatting with friends. So maybe I didn't give it enough of a chance. But I sort of feel that if I movie can't hold my attention...it's not really my fault and more the fault of the movie. Because there are some movies that I have a really hard time getting anything done at the same time as watching them because I get so into them.
It should have been amazing, as it has Bill Murry and Karen Allen, and I adore Ms. Karen Allen in surprising amounts. She's so adorable, with her smile and her giant eyes.
Overall the movie was enjoyable, but it didn't really put me in the Christmas spirit.
I did like this little gem at the end though: "We are the people we always hope we could be." Made me think of what I blogged about yesterday. Actually, his whole speech at the end was pretty good. Especially with the Claire, world, world, Claire.
She is so cute.
But if I'm looking for A Christmas Carol, I'll be sticking to my traditional one with everyone in period costumes.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
As long as there's Christmas
"As long as there's Christmas, I truly believe
That hope is the greatest of the gifts we'll receive
So there always will be a time.
When the world is filled with peace and love."
I've always loved this bit of music. I love Beauty and the Beast, but Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas always warmed my heart more than the original did though. It might have something to do with the fact that Bernadette Peters is voicing the angel, and I've adored her forever. But I think it's this song, (and the other one "Stories") that have always touched my heart more than "Something There" or "Beauty and the Beast" ever did.
But these words basically sum up Christmas. Not just Christmas even, but the holiday season. A lot of religions have religious holidays during this time of year. It probably has something to do with the fact you get the longest night of the year and then it seems God returns the sun to us like a gift. That's pure speculation though, I have no actual idea. But there is something about this time of year. That isn't the presents, or the mistletoe, or anything to do with those traditions. Something about this time of year says, maybe the world can be better, maybe we have a chance at peace after all.
Christmas has always been a non-denominational holiday for me. My family isn't religious to say the least, so Christmas has never been very spiritual. I've found another way to be spiritual over the holiday season, by celebrating Chanukah. I like celebrating holidays as it makes me feel closer to people from around the world, which I think is kind of the point. I celebrate this, and so do so many others, it gives us something in common, and suddenly we are a little less of strangers.
In the end, that is what the holiday season means to me. It's a chance to be less of a stranger. It's a chance to be a little more human.
Sure, it's going to be stressful, all those presents and Christmas shopping, and kids get more materialistic every year it seems, people can't handle the pressure and get mad at others. But I hope that everyone around the world is able, even if it's just for a minute, get a moment where they realize that the person over there that they don't know, is a little less of a stranger. Open your hearts and let in the joy.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Giving Thanks, Day One.
So, I didn't exactly manage to get in my 31 horror movies and other Halloween related things for the month of October. I ended up being supremely busy and while I did watch a lot of horror movies, some good (Paranormal Activity and it's sequel), some bad (Stupid Teenagers Must Die), some classic (Godzilla v. Mothra), I didn't manage a full 31, and I didn't manage to write a single blog on them. While I could go back and reflect, I'm going to chalk it up as a good attempt and move on to the idea for November: Things I am grateful for.
Now, there are a lot of things that I'm grateful for that are rather obvious ones. I'm grateful I have food and shelter, clean air and water, clothing, my family and friends, my health, so I'm probably not going to write about those things. Yes, sometimes I take these things for grated, but I want to look for grace in other places, not ones that might be staring me in the face, even if I am taking them for granted. I still greatly appreciate these things, but I want to make this a little bit challenging for myself.
In honor of our recent election, I am grateful for choices. I'm grateful that I live in a country where my opinion matters for something. Now, you could get all pessimistic and say that I am one small speck of dust and one small vote so I don't count for much, but I firmly believe that every vote, every voice counts. After all, you become one of a group that votes in the same way you do, on each person and each proposition or ballot measure. And you become part of an age demographic. Some generations clearly know how to use the demographic. Retired folk vote en masse and so their issues are the ones that end up on the ballot. Which is why I always love it when I see young people choosing to vote, maybe one day, before we are retired, politicians will have to cater to us, and ballot measures will be things we care more about.
But election aside, I am grateful that I have the ability to choose my mood. Yes, there are some things that can interfere and chemical reactions in the brain certainly affect you in a negative way even when you want to be happy. But you can also choose to be happy on a daily basis. You can choose to not dwell on negative things. Bad things are going to happen to everyone and everyone has a choice in how they deal with them.
I was talking to someone the other day, about this. He was telling me how noble it was to make a choice to go on with life and not obsess about something bad that happens. I don't think it's particularly noble, but that's me. I don't think that choosing to live my life is a noble choice, it's a choice we all make. I think choosing to be happy despite the bad things, and choosing to not seal myself up in a tower are smart choices, but they aren't noble. I don't think it's noble unless I became sort of role model, and put that sort of thing in the public domain and let others draw strength from it. That might be noble, but I don't think I want to make that particular choice.
But I am grateful that I can make the choice to be happy today, and that choice will be honored by myself. People might say mean things today, or be grouchy and rude, but I don't have to let it affect me.
Now, there are a lot of things that I'm grateful for that are rather obvious ones. I'm grateful I have food and shelter, clean air and water, clothing, my family and friends, my health, so I'm probably not going to write about those things. Yes, sometimes I take these things for grated, but I want to look for grace in other places, not ones that might be staring me in the face, even if I am taking them for granted. I still greatly appreciate these things, but I want to make this a little bit challenging for myself.
In honor of our recent election, I am grateful for choices. I'm grateful that I live in a country where my opinion matters for something. Now, you could get all pessimistic and say that I am one small speck of dust and one small vote so I don't count for much, but I firmly believe that every vote, every voice counts. After all, you become one of a group that votes in the same way you do, on each person and each proposition or ballot measure. And you become part of an age demographic. Some generations clearly know how to use the demographic. Retired folk vote en masse and so their issues are the ones that end up on the ballot. Which is why I always love it when I see young people choosing to vote, maybe one day, before we are retired, politicians will have to cater to us, and ballot measures will be things we care more about.
But election aside, I am grateful that I have the ability to choose my mood. Yes, there are some things that can interfere and chemical reactions in the brain certainly affect you in a negative way even when you want to be happy. But you can also choose to be happy on a daily basis. You can choose to not dwell on negative things. Bad things are going to happen to everyone and everyone has a choice in how they deal with them.
I was talking to someone the other day, about this. He was telling me how noble it was to make a choice to go on with life and not obsess about something bad that happens. I don't think it's particularly noble, but that's me. I don't think that choosing to live my life is a noble choice, it's a choice we all make. I think choosing to be happy despite the bad things, and choosing to not seal myself up in a tower are smart choices, but they aren't noble. I don't think it's noble unless I became sort of role model, and put that sort of thing in the public domain and let others draw strength from it. That might be noble, but I don't think I want to make that particular choice.
But I am grateful that I can make the choice to be happy today, and that choice will be honored by myself. People might say mean things today, or be grouchy and rude, but I don't have to let it affect me.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
blogging in a theme
I feel like I need a way to keep my blogging self motivated. I'm not a good diarist, never have been, not thinking I will start being one now, but I intensely like the idea of keeping a blog and so far, I kinda have been sucking at it. No posts between May and October can lead oneself to believe that one may be sucking as a blogger. Plus I keep reading other people's blogs and thinking how interesting they are and how sad and lonely my own blog must be.
So I have a solution. Hopefully.
Themes for the month!
I love themes. Themes are great. I'm always bringing up themes for my life, most of which fall by the wayside shortly because I am a bit of a lazy procrastinating girl with a bit of attention deficit. I'm not ADHD, I have a good attention span, excepting things I set down for myself because sooner or later I get bored with all my ideas. Or something.
But this theme would automatically change ever 30/31 (or in the case of the red headed stepchild February 28, or 29 when it's a leap year), so that should cure my boredom of myself. Right? Of course right. It's not going to make me stop talking about the other boring things in my life, but it might inspire me to blog more which is the whole purpose.
And my themes are brilliant, at least until I get to March, but hell, if I make it that long, I should be able to come up with a March theme.
October: Halloween. I'm going to do 31 days of horror movies. I'm already behind, and I'm not going to be so bold to say I'm going to actually watch ONE a day, I'll probably have a few marathons because that's how I do, but 31 horror movies for 31 days of Halloween. I have some other fun Halloween ideas too, I LOVE Halloween. Halloween recipes, pumpkin everything, carving pumpkins, etc etc etc. I LOVE IT ALREADY. Hopefully I love it as much in the next few weeks.
November: Thanksgiving (there's even a theme to my theme!). 30 days of thankful stuff. I have less ideas for this, but it will come. And if all else fails, I'm just going to cook for a month. I'd watch some Thanksgiving movies, but do any of those exist?
December: 31 days of Christmas (and Chanukah)! There is so much Christmas stuff to do I could probably do a years worth, but here is a month. Movies for sure...Nutcracker YES! And everything else. Yummy christmas goodies.
January: 31 days of NEW THINGS. Because it's the start of a NEW year and what not. What 31 things I can do that are new, I haven't figured out yet, but that's months away, pish. It will be easy-peasy.
February: 28 days of redheaded stepchildren! Ha, no. I wish. I'm not a big fan of February, and not because it has Valentines Day which I will theme the month around. I love Valentines day, even when I'm more single than a dollar bill, I just don't like how it's all weird and has to stand out with it's 28/29 days. Can't it be normal. Why couldn't we take a day from January and give it to February so it would have more days? Why couldn't March? Or July? It's stupid. It makes no sense.
March: Yeah, I don't have ideas for this or for April, May, June, August, or September, and when I get back to October I can start all over again, because HOLIDAYS ROCK. Although I might start picking out weird random holidays. Like create your own holiday day. Although that would encompass everything and I'd get bored again. But like...whatever is National Book Month. I could talk about books. I don't think I could read a book a DAY, but that doesn't mean I couldn't read like 5 or 6 and then talk about a bunch of old favorites. THE POSSIBILITIES!
I'm kinda of excited now. Because today, I'm supposed to see two horror movies. And then I might watch the first version of one of them on Netflix afterwards. That would catch me up halfway to where I am supposed to be. I'm so on top of this. And I can't wait to blog about pumpkin carving. OH, that reminds me I have to make my Malificent and Dragon stencils for my pumpkins. And I should request Halloween off I guess, or the night off so I can feed the trick or treaters and let my pumpkins be useful and not just for my amusement. Although that is good as well.
And one of these days I want to make this blog all pretty and customized. High-ho, high-ho, it's playing with GIMP I go. After I finish my other ninety million projects. Is sleep optional yet?
So I have a solution. Hopefully.
Themes for the month!
I love themes. Themes are great. I'm always bringing up themes for my life, most of which fall by the wayside shortly because I am a bit of a lazy procrastinating girl with a bit of attention deficit. I'm not ADHD, I have a good attention span, excepting things I set down for myself because sooner or later I get bored with all my ideas. Or something.
But this theme would automatically change ever 30/31 (or in the case of the red headed stepchild February 28, or 29 when it's a leap year), so that should cure my boredom of myself. Right? Of course right. It's not going to make me stop talking about the other boring things in my life, but it might inspire me to blog more which is the whole purpose.
And my themes are brilliant, at least until I get to March, but hell, if I make it that long, I should be able to come up with a March theme.
October: Halloween. I'm going to do 31 days of horror movies. I'm already behind, and I'm not going to be so bold to say I'm going to actually watch ONE a day, I'll probably have a few marathons because that's how I do, but 31 horror movies for 31 days of Halloween. I have some other fun Halloween ideas too, I LOVE Halloween. Halloween recipes, pumpkin everything, carving pumpkins, etc etc etc. I LOVE IT ALREADY. Hopefully I love it as much in the next few weeks.
November: Thanksgiving (there's even a theme to my theme!). 30 days of thankful stuff. I have less ideas for this, but it will come. And if all else fails, I'm just going to cook for a month. I'd watch some Thanksgiving movies, but do any of those exist?
December: 31 days of Christmas (and Chanukah)! There is so much Christmas stuff to do I could probably do a years worth, but here is a month. Movies for sure...Nutcracker YES! And everything else. Yummy christmas goodies.
January: 31 days of NEW THINGS. Because it's the start of a NEW year and what not. What 31 things I can do that are new, I haven't figured out yet, but that's months away, pish. It will be easy-peasy.
February: 28 days of redheaded stepchildren! Ha, no. I wish. I'm not a big fan of February, and not because it has Valentines Day which I will theme the month around. I love Valentines day, even when I'm more single than a dollar bill, I just don't like how it's all weird and has to stand out with it's 28/29 days. Can't it be normal. Why couldn't we take a day from January and give it to February so it would have more days? Why couldn't March? Or July? It's stupid. It makes no sense.
March: Yeah, I don't have ideas for this or for April, May, June, August, or September, and when I get back to October I can start all over again, because HOLIDAYS ROCK. Although I might start picking out weird random holidays. Like create your own holiday day. Although that would encompass everything and I'd get bored again. But like...whatever is National Book Month. I could talk about books. I don't think I could read a book a DAY, but that doesn't mean I couldn't read like 5 or 6 and then talk about a bunch of old favorites. THE POSSIBILITIES!
I'm kinda of excited now. Because today, I'm supposed to see two horror movies. And then I might watch the first version of one of them on Netflix afterwards. That would catch me up halfway to where I am supposed to be. I'm so on top of this. And I can't wait to blog about pumpkin carving. OH, that reminds me I have to make my Malificent and Dragon stencils for my pumpkins. And I should request Halloween off I guess, or the night off so I can feed the trick or treaters and let my pumpkins be useful and not just for my amusement. Although that is good as well.
And one of these days I want to make this blog all pretty and customized. High-ho, high-ho, it's playing with GIMP I go. After I finish my other ninety million projects. Is sleep optional yet?
where am I going?
I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with my life.
It’s hard to say really.
Are the dreams I’ve had since I was ten years old, the dream I still want to make my life out ot be. I think so. Maybe. I do want to perform. I want to do theatre and I would be happy doing movies or TV. The problem, with most anything I do nowadays, is the motivation. Everyone else seems so much more motivated than me, to put themselves out there, to get agents, to move to New York or LA, to even go to auditions.
I want to perform, but I don’t have the energy to go get it right now. Which may be a medical problem all of itself. For lack of a better term, I’ve been highly bipolar lately. I’ll have these fabulous highs, it feels like I could accomplish anything and everything, I’m on top of the world, but then a few hours later nothing is going right. I’m stressed, I don’t have enough money, my life is a wreck. All I want to do is crawl into my bed and cry.
In those highs, I get stuff done, and in the middle ground between the highs and the lows. I got all my clothes sorted the other day. I cleaned the living room. The last night I worked, the popcorn seeds that get lodged in the floor by the drains bothered me and I dug them out with the screwdriver. The floor is now cleaner than I’ve seen it in a while. But I can’t seem to line those highs up with times for doing anything towards making my goals of being an actress. I just want to be one already. Can’t we skip the hard part?
In the meanwhile, I keep thinking about the fact that I need to make money, and even if I get my behind in gear and start going to auditions I still need to be able to live. Where I work is fine, it’s not like I dislike the job, but I don’t love it either. I’d like to be doing something more interesting, more challenging.
Money was part of the reason I started a blog to begin with, funnily enough. That, and I’ve always had this goal of documenting my life. I’m terrible at keeping a diary though, whether written on paper or typed on the internet, or just typed on my computer.
But you hear about these blogs that people actually make money off of, or they get noticed writing or something somehow through their blog. I’d love that. Kind of. But then I’d have to go through the work of coming up with interesting things to write. And sometimes all I’ve got is…I went to work today and it was okay. Doesn’t exactly make for great blogging material. And I can’t seem to think of an idea that is novel enough to start a blog around.
Well, maybe I have one, but the motivational thing….still a problem.
Thinking about making money now, besides the blog that I can’t get started aspect, I’d love to write. In the past couple of years, my writing juices have just been so open and adament about being heard. Another reason why starting a blog was tempting to me. I like writing. But I don’t know how to get paid for writing.
I also like to travel, but I don’t know how to get paid to travel.
There are numerous things I like to do that I wish I could get paid for. Traveling. Sleeping. Eating. Basically, it would be nice if someone just paid for my life. If money just fell in my lap so I could support myself and I could do things I liked without worrying about the money. I’d still want to work. I don’t think I could sit at home all day or even travel, eat, and sleep all day without needing a job, even a small part time one. I like the idea of usefulness, and having a job makes me feel useful. Maybe I’d feel different if I was getting paid to write, but I don’t know.
Someone suggested I could be a travel writer, or a food critic, or something along the lines of combining writing with something I like to do. I could, but I don’t really want to. I think I object to the idea of me “being” any of those things, making a career out of it. I don’t really like the word career, and I already identify myself as an actress. I’m an actress, who likes to travel, write and eat. And sleep, but I don’t think ANYONE gets paid long term for sleeping. If you know someone who makes a living off of sleep studies…then go ahead and prove me wrong, but I will think you are lying out your ass.
Maybe that’s my problem. I identify too much with this long term dream of mine that I’m doing nothing about that I can’t wrap my head around doing something different. I’m not sure, but I’m up again at almost 7am, meaning, I haven’t slept yet, trying to figure out what I want out of life. As if I should know at twenty four. It’s not like I’m old, I have plenty of time still to dabble and try things. And then I start worrying if I’ll ever settle down and do something. Which I’m pretty sure is a stigma of society, not something I came up with on my own.
Because, it wouldn’t really be bad if I was an actress, (once I get my act together), who dabbles in traveling, writing, eating and sleeping. And whatever else I may decide to try. Do I really have to label myself as one thing? Can I just be an adventurer? I like that idea.
It’s hard to say really.
Are the dreams I’ve had since I was ten years old, the dream I still want to make my life out ot be. I think so. Maybe. I do want to perform. I want to do theatre and I would be happy doing movies or TV. The problem, with most anything I do nowadays, is the motivation. Everyone else seems so much more motivated than me, to put themselves out there, to get agents, to move to New York or LA, to even go to auditions.
I want to perform, but I don’t have the energy to go get it right now. Which may be a medical problem all of itself. For lack of a better term, I’ve been highly bipolar lately. I’ll have these fabulous highs, it feels like I could accomplish anything and everything, I’m on top of the world, but then a few hours later nothing is going right. I’m stressed, I don’t have enough money, my life is a wreck. All I want to do is crawl into my bed and cry.
In those highs, I get stuff done, and in the middle ground between the highs and the lows. I got all my clothes sorted the other day. I cleaned the living room. The last night I worked, the popcorn seeds that get lodged in the floor by the drains bothered me and I dug them out with the screwdriver. The floor is now cleaner than I’ve seen it in a while. But I can’t seem to line those highs up with times for doing anything towards making my goals of being an actress. I just want to be one already. Can’t we skip the hard part?
In the meanwhile, I keep thinking about the fact that I need to make money, and even if I get my behind in gear and start going to auditions I still need to be able to live. Where I work is fine, it’s not like I dislike the job, but I don’t love it either. I’d like to be doing something more interesting, more challenging.
Money was part of the reason I started a blog to begin with, funnily enough. That, and I’ve always had this goal of documenting my life. I’m terrible at keeping a diary though, whether written on paper or typed on the internet, or just typed on my computer.
But you hear about these blogs that people actually make money off of, or they get noticed writing or something somehow through their blog. I’d love that. Kind of. But then I’d have to go through the work of coming up with interesting things to write. And sometimes all I’ve got is…I went to work today and it was okay. Doesn’t exactly make for great blogging material. And I can’t seem to think of an idea that is novel enough to start a blog around.
Well, maybe I have one, but the motivational thing….still a problem.
Thinking about making money now, besides the blog that I can’t get started aspect, I’d love to write. In the past couple of years, my writing juices have just been so open and adament about being heard. Another reason why starting a blog was tempting to me. I like writing. But I don’t know how to get paid for writing.
I also like to travel, but I don’t know how to get paid to travel.
There are numerous things I like to do that I wish I could get paid for. Traveling. Sleeping. Eating. Basically, it would be nice if someone just paid for my life. If money just fell in my lap so I could support myself and I could do things I liked without worrying about the money. I’d still want to work. I don’t think I could sit at home all day or even travel, eat, and sleep all day without needing a job, even a small part time one. I like the idea of usefulness, and having a job makes me feel useful. Maybe I’d feel different if I was getting paid to write, but I don’t know.
Someone suggested I could be a travel writer, or a food critic, or something along the lines of combining writing with something I like to do. I could, but I don’t really want to. I think I object to the idea of me “being” any of those things, making a career out of it. I don’t really like the word career, and I already identify myself as an actress. I’m an actress, who likes to travel, write and eat. And sleep, but I don’t think ANYONE gets paid long term for sleeping. If you know someone who makes a living off of sleep studies…then go ahead and prove me wrong, but I will think you are lying out your ass.
Maybe that’s my problem. I identify too much with this long term dream of mine that I’m doing nothing about that I can’t wrap my head around doing something different. I’m not sure, but I’m up again at almost 7am, meaning, I haven’t slept yet, trying to figure out what I want out of life. As if I should know at twenty four. It’s not like I’m old, I have plenty of time still to dabble and try things. And then I start worrying if I’ll ever settle down and do something. Which I’m pretty sure is a stigma of society, not something I came up with on my own.
Because, it wouldn’t really be bad if I was an actress, (once I get my act together), who dabbles in traveling, writing, eating and sleeping. And whatever else I may decide to try. Do I really have to label myself as one thing? Can I just be an adventurer? I like that idea.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
being a bitch and the kitten i'm going to adopt.
So the other day, I got off work at about 2am and I was craving chicken strips. Luckily there is a 24 hour carl's jr.
I go to Carl's Jr and I wait in the long line. There is always a long wait for some reason, it takes them forever to take orders and make orders. SO SLOW. I get up to the intercom, place my order and then the woman informs me it's cash only. AFTER I've waited in line, and placed and order. I don't have any cash on me and it's in the middle of the night so I'm not just going to hop over to a ATM. If there is one in this shopping center. I cancel my order and have to sit in line and wait for the three cars ahead of me to finish up. grrr. I'm annoyed and I don't have my chicken strips.
Why didn't she let me know at the beginning of my order? Why didn't they put up a sign at the beginning of the drive through so I didn't have to wait in the fucking line? They normally take cards so out of courtesy you'd think they could write "cash only" on a piece of paper and tape it out there. Give people fair warning in order to not waste my time. Some people might be only out for high munchies, but some of us are getting off work.
So, I decided I still wanted my chicken strips but I wasn't going to go to an ATM.
I went home, opened up the piggy bank I keep change in, counted out 6 dollars of dimes and nickels, put it in a plastic bag and headed back. Girl didn't even blink an eye but I felt vindicated taking out the 68 cents that I had extra in there and handing it over.
I also got my chicken strips.
In other news. I have fostered 8 kittens. 7 of them, while it was sad to give them up, I gave up pretty easily. I loved them and would have loved to keep them but I didn't need to convince myself I shouldn't be adopting a kitten. I knew it.
Number 8 refuses to be adopted out. She has found her home and she has chosen me as her owner. This is painfully obvious. She will sleep on me. I come home and she purrs. I took her to adoptions on Saturday, where she had been the previous week, and she was so grumpy. She hated it. She hissed at the other kittens and wasn't interested in any person. If someone else tried to pick her up, she avoided them like the plague. I picked her up, put her on my lap and she promptly curled up for a nap, later rolling over on her back for a belly rub.
I've been running over the pros and cons of adopting this kitten. It comes down to this, I can afford her, just barely. If I got a national tour I could take her along. If I got a cruise ship though I'd need someone to take her. I know it will be more difficult yo move to NY with a kitten. I'm fine with doing it anyway. I've planned out how this will work, down to training her to use the toilet to save on litter and to make trekking around easier.
Would it be easier to be pet less? Most certainly. Would I have more money if I was pet less? Yep.
But do I think she can find a home where she can be equally happy? No. No I don't. Even the other people that she gets along with she more tolerates then loves. She'll play with them, she'll rub against them but it's not the open her heart attachment she has with me. I didn't plan on this when I was fostering kittens because I knew I didn't want to adopt at this time. But looking at this cat I feel like it would be too cruel for me to not adopt her. She doesn't want to go to the adoption events and play nice. She would rather sit on my couch and purr.
Jasmine made her decision, it seems. And so I'm thinking I'm going to go ahead and formally claim her. And give her a new name. Jasmine is pretty but it's not a really good fit for her. She needs something shorter. Right now, I'm thinking Nala. I was thinking Pounce but she looks so much like a little lion Nala might be better. Right now she's curled up half on me half on a pillow, purring and napping away. Happy happy little kitten. Sneaking into my life. Trickster.
Oh, and while you can't tell int he picture she's a grey calico. She looks all grey but she's got muted calico coloring. <33 With fantastic jumping abilities.
I go to Carl's Jr and I wait in the long line. There is always a long wait for some reason, it takes them forever to take orders and make orders. SO SLOW. I get up to the intercom, place my order and then the woman informs me it's cash only. AFTER I've waited in line, and placed and order. I don't have any cash on me and it's in the middle of the night so I'm not just going to hop over to a ATM. If there is one in this shopping center. I cancel my order and have to sit in line and wait for the three cars ahead of me to finish up. grrr. I'm annoyed and I don't have my chicken strips.
Why didn't she let me know at the beginning of my order? Why didn't they put up a sign at the beginning of the drive through so I didn't have to wait in the fucking line? They normally take cards so out of courtesy you'd think they could write "cash only" on a piece of paper and tape it out there. Give people fair warning in order to not waste my time. Some people might be only out for high munchies, but some of us are getting off work.
So, I decided I still wanted my chicken strips but I wasn't going to go to an ATM.
I went home, opened up the piggy bank I keep change in, counted out 6 dollars of dimes and nickels, put it in a plastic bag and headed back. Girl didn't even blink an eye but I felt vindicated taking out the 68 cents that I had extra in there and handing it over.
I also got my chicken strips.
In other news. I have fostered 8 kittens. 7 of them, while it was sad to give them up, I gave up pretty easily. I loved them and would have loved to keep them but I didn't need to convince myself I shouldn't be adopting a kitten. I knew it.
Number 8 refuses to be adopted out. She has found her home and she has chosen me as her owner. This is painfully obvious. She will sleep on me. I come home and she purrs. I took her to adoptions on Saturday, where she had been the previous week, and she was so grumpy. She hated it. She hissed at the other kittens and wasn't interested in any person. If someone else tried to pick her up, she avoided them like the plague. I picked her up, put her on my lap and she promptly curled up for a nap, later rolling over on her back for a belly rub.
I've been running over the pros and cons of adopting this kitten. It comes down to this, I can afford her, just barely. If I got a national tour I could take her along. If I got a cruise ship though I'd need someone to take her. I know it will be more difficult yo move to NY with a kitten. I'm fine with doing it anyway. I've planned out how this will work, down to training her to use the toilet to save on litter and to make trekking around easier.
Would it be easier to be pet less? Most certainly. Would I have more money if I was pet less? Yep.
But do I think she can find a home where she can be equally happy? No. No I don't. Even the other people that she gets along with she more tolerates then loves. She'll play with them, she'll rub against them but it's not the open her heart attachment she has with me. I didn't plan on this when I was fostering kittens because I knew I didn't want to adopt at this time. But looking at this cat I feel like it would be too cruel for me to not adopt her. She doesn't want to go to the adoption events and play nice. She would rather sit on my couch and purr.
Jasmine made her decision, it seems. And so I'm thinking I'm going to go ahead and formally claim her. And give her a new name. Jasmine is pretty but it's not a really good fit for her. She needs something shorter. Right now, I'm thinking Nala. I was thinking Pounce but she looks so much like a little lion Nala might be better. Right now she's curled up half on me half on a pillow, purring and napping away. Happy happy little kitten. Sneaking into my life. Trickster.
Oh, and while you can't tell int he picture she's a grey calico. She looks all grey but she's got muted calico coloring. <33 With fantastic jumping abilities.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
pet peeves
I am realizing I have a lot of pet peeves.
There are lots of things that annoy me about the world and people. I may be an old curmudgeon before I hit the quarter century mark.
I don't like drivers who MUST have a spot on the first floor of the parking structure even though there are 897987 spots above them if only they would drive up a floor.
I don't like drivers who feel they should get to drive out of their first floor parking spot when there is a line of ten cars trying to get in. No, you fucking wait. You had to have that parking spot that was on the main throughway, you can wait until the line is a little less busy.
I have a lot of driving ones. I get frustrated by people's driving a lot.
I don't like it when someone complains about someone, is given a solution and they go right on complaining about it.
I don't like it when people complain about wanting/needing to lose weight and then are like....let's go to McDonalds. But when you invite them to go running/gym with you they are like /lazy. Don't whine at me then.
I don't like it when customers answer my questions with yeah, and then are like...no I don't want that. Then say no you idiots.
One of my big ones is when people assume I know nothing about a subject simply because I haven't said anything about it before, or because what I say might seem offhand. There seem to be a lot of variations of this. I get the, oh your life can't possibly have anything wrong in it and therefore you can't have experienced anything like it. Or the everyone who makes that sort of comment is just ignorant, no matter what you meant by it. Or the, you know that person has gone through a lot in their life.
I'd like to say once and for all that yes, I have experienced hardships. I may come from an upper middle class background but that doesn't mean a life full of sunshine and rainbows. There are things that lie beneath my veneer that are not clean and pretty. Sure there are people who have had it a lot worse then me. But I've gone through things that count as hardships pretty much anywhere, I just don't go about flaunting it. Some people do. Some people make their business known to everyone. I do not.
Also, I generally do not make completely uninformed comments. It's a pretty rare occurrence. I like to know about things. Especially things that I think might actually affect me. I find it ignorant when people assume I can't possibly know anything about a subject because my comment doesn't fit with their accepted viewpoints on the matter. Or that I only know the stereotypes.
When people say that so and so has gone through a lot in their life I feel they have missed the fact that I also have a life and they do not know everything that has gone on in my life. Whether someone knows me through work, or met me first online, or is even a close friend of mine, I'm a pretty private person. In recent years I've become slightly less private. I've started speaking out on issues that I feel people underestimate. Or someone will make a comment, I'll respond and people will go huh? and I feel this need to explain. I'm not trying to say that someone else's lot in life is in any way made less, but I find it obnoxious when someone goes on about how that person has gone through a lot and is this way because of it. I hate it as an excuse and I hate it more when a third party uses it as an excuse for someone else. Life has happened to me too, whether or not you know about it.
I'm not an innocent ignorant child.
Unless you know my life story, unless you know my medical history, and my family's medical history, unless you know all the good things and all the bad things, all my quirks, basically, unless you are me, you cannot make those judgements about me.
I guess basically my pet peeve is people thinking they know me.
I know it goes both ways, and I know when there is other stuff going on, it's easy to filter through that, but I feel like people are constantly making assumptions about me. I'm this or I'm that. I can't be this, I can't be that. Sometimes I just want to blow people's minds.
There are lots of things that annoy me about the world and people. I may be an old curmudgeon before I hit the quarter century mark.
I don't like drivers who MUST have a spot on the first floor of the parking structure even though there are 897987 spots above them if only they would drive up a floor.
I don't like drivers who feel they should get to drive out of their first floor parking spot when there is a line of ten cars trying to get in. No, you fucking wait. You had to have that parking spot that was on the main throughway, you can wait until the line is a little less busy.
I have a lot of driving ones. I get frustrated by people's driving a lot.
I don't like it when someone complains about someone, is given a solution and they go right on complaining about it.
I don't like it when people complain about wanting/needing to lose weight and then are like....let's go to McDonalds. But when you invite them to go running/gym with you they are like /lazy. Don't whine at me then.
I don't like it when customers answer my questions with yeah, and then are like...no I don't want that. Then say no you idiots.
One of my big ones is when people assume I know nothing about a subject simply because I haven't said anything about it before, or because what I say might seem offhand. There seem to be a lot of variations of this. I get the, oh your life can't possibly have anything wrong in it and therefore you can't have experienced anything like it. Or the everyone who makes that sort of comment is just ignorant, no matter what you meant by it. Or the, you know that person has gone through a lot in their life.
I'd like to say once and for all that yes, I have experienced hardships. I may come from an upper middle class background but that doesn't mean a life full of sunshine and rainbows. There are things that lie beneath my veneer that are not clean and pretty. Sure there are people who have had it a lot worse then me. But I've gone through things that count as hardships pretty much anywhere, I just don't go about flaunting it. Some people do. Some people make their business known to everyone. I do not.
Also, I generally do not make completely uninformed comments. It's a pretty rare occurrence. I like to know about things. Especially things that I think might actually affect me. I find it ignorant when people assume I can't possibly know anything about a subject because my comment doesn't fit with their accepted viewpoints on the matter. Or that I only know the stereotypes.
When people say that so and so has gone through a lot in their life I feel they have missed the fact that I also have a life and they do not know everything that has gone on in my life. Whether someone knows me through work, or met me first online, or is even a close friend of mine, I'm a pretty private person. In recent years I've become slightly less private. I've started speaking out on issues that I feel people underestimate. Or someone will make a comment, I'll respond and people will go huh? and I feel this need to explain. I'm not trying to say that someone else's lot in life is in any way made less, but I find it obnoxious when someone goes on about how that person has gone through a lot and is this way because of it. I hate it as an excuse and I hate it more when a third party uses it as an excuse for someone else. Life has happened to me too, whether or not you know about it.
I'm not an innocent ignorant child.
Unless you know my life story, unless you know my medical history, and my family's medical history, unless you know all the good things and all the bad things, all my quirks, basically, unless you are me, you cannot make those judgements about me.
I guess basically my pet peeve is people thinking they know me.
I know it goes both ways, and I know when there is other stuff going on, it's easy to filter through that, but I feel like people are constantly making assumptions about me. I'm this or I'm that. I can't be this, I can't be that. Sometimes I just want to blow people's minds.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
drinking age
There is a lot of debate about the drinking age in the United States.
Personally, I'm all in favor of lowering the drinking age to 18. I don't think it's reasonable to be considered an adult and not be able to fully act like one. I don't feel it is comparable to the rental car companies age discrimination of car rentals and insurance companies, because older people who continue to drive irresponsibly also get affected. A 40 year old cannot get cheap insurance if he drives badly, but a 40 year old alcoholic can still be served in bars. An insurance company could chose to give cheaper insurance to a responsible 18 year old driver. It's more a matter of choice for the company than a matter of law. Bars would still be allowed to set their own ages for that particular bar since they have the right to refuse service.
18 year olds are considered an adult in the United States. You can legally sign your name to a contract. You can sign up for the military. You no longer need a work permit and are free to find any gainful employment without any sort of permission. You can vote in all elections-you can help choose the President of the United States. You can buy cigarettes. Porn. Lottery tickets. There are plenty of dangerous things you can do at 18. But you cannot buy a drink. Adult should mean adult privileges. That should include drinking.
18 year olds are, in general, immature. 21 year olds, on a whole, are not a great deal more mature. But they are adults. They are no longer children, they are immature adults. Adults get to make their own choices. Good ones and bad ones.
But the real problem with alcohol is not the drinking age. There is going to be binge drinking whether the drinking age is 21 or 18. There will be alcohol in high schools no matter the drinking age. People will do stupid things with alcohol.
The issue is that alcohol has become a forbidden fruit in the United States, meaning that instead of having alcohol as part of a regular and healthy diet, drinking in moderation, people view it as something that is looked down upon. Instead of being taught how to safely drink, we are told NOT to drink. Yet, alcohol is glamorized in the media. No wonder that 18-21 year olds drink so unhealthily. No wonder high school students want to drink. It symbolizes being older, cooler, more edgy. Alcohol becomes this mysterious thing you are not allowed to have or do, so of course you want to.
I don't remember when I had my first drink. My parents offered it to me at some point, probably in my early teens. I was at least ten. I do remember feeling very grown up as I was poured my first glass of wine, which was hardly more than a few sips. Frequently on special occasions I was offered a celebratory drink, always just a little bit. It didn't feel like something that was forbidden. I can't say I liked it much, or probably I would have asked to have some more often. It didn't feel like something forbidden when I went off to college. I did have a few drinks here and there, but because I had been shown that I should only drink a little at a time, I didn't get drunk. In fact, the first time I got drunk was shortly before my 21st birthday. The second time, was on my 21st birthday. I never did the 21 shots in an hour or anything like that. I drank until I felt like I was drunk and then I stopped. My normal drinking is a beer or two, a couple of glasses of wine, a mixed drink, on rare occasion maybe two. My binge drinking? Three to four shots, half a bottle of wine, four beers. It can hardly be considered binge drinking.
I'm lucky. I was taught how to drink in moderation and I had good role models. I tend to be fairly mature for my age. I had already had alcohol before I went to college and I wasn't interested in first time experiences that consisted of drinking a lot. I remember being the sober friend at a party and I didn't quite understand the fun of drinking like that. I like alcohol, and I consume it on a fairly regular basis but I learned the art of moderation.
I firmly believe if alcohol was less of a mysterious adult thing to do, it wouldn't be so exciting to try. It was exciting my first time, it was exciting, but my parents were there supervising the experience. I could hardly have finished off the entire bottle of wine. But for someone whose first experience is stolen time, hidden, secret, that would only intensify the experience. I could see them doing it again to get the feeling again, and since it wasn't likely to have been controlled they could drink as much as they like. Getting drunk and this feeling of being an adult, this adrenaline rush, would suddenly get tied together. Repeat for similar feeling.
Until the attitude over alcohol changes in the United States it won't matter what the drinking age is, because it will still be a glamorized forbidden fruit. THAT is the problem.
This has nothing to do with drunk drivers, because whether you are 18 or 21, driving under the influence is still illegal. I'm in favor for stricter laws all over for that. I would not be opposed to lowering the legal limit a bit. You shouldn't have even a few drinks and go out driving without some sobering up time. Because time is the only thing that allows you to sober up. Plenty of people get behind the wheel impaired, whether or not it's legal for them. Harsher fines. Go right ahead. It's not whether or not you can get alcohol that allows for drunk driving, or prevents drunk driving, it's people thinking about the punishments. If the punishment is not worth it, you'll think twice. Especially if it's easy to arrange other transportation. People who are going to drunk drive, are going to drunk drive at any age. A 19 year old is not going to suddenly be more inclined to drive drunk simply because they can legally drink. Also, if a 19 year old and a 21 year old drink the same amount and are the same size and weight, they will likely be the same amount of impaired. You don't suddenly get less impaired at 21, you get more leeway with the legal limit.
Lower the drinking age, lower the legal limit, change the alcohol culture.
Or keep it all the same, but CHANGE THE ALCOHOL CULTURE.
Personally, I'm all in favor of lowering the drinking age to 18. I don't think it's reasonable to be considered an adult and not be able to fully act like one. I don't feel it is comparable to the rental car companies age discrimination of car rentals and insurance companies, because older people who continue to drive irresponsibly also get affected. A 40 year old cannot get cheap insurance if he drives badly, but a 40 year old alcoholic can still be served in bars. An insurance company could chose to give cheaper insurance to a responsible 18 year old driver. It's more a matter of choice for the company than a matter of law. Bars would still be allowed to set their own ages for that particular bar since they have the right to refuse service.
18 year olds are considered an adult in the United States. You can legally sign your name to a contract. You can sign up for the military. You no longer need a work permit and are free to find any gainful employment without any sort of permission. You can vote in all elections-you can help choose the President of the United States. You can buy cigarettes. Porn. Lottery tickets. There are plenty of dangerous things you can do at 18. But you cannot buy a drink. Adult should mean adult privileges. That should include drinking.
18 year olds are, in general, immature. 21 year olds, on a whole, are not a great deal more mature. But they are adults. They are no longer children, they are immature adults. Adults get to make their own choices. Good ones and bad ones.
But the real problem with alcohol is not the drinking age. There is going to be binge drinking whether the drinking age is 21 or 18. There will be alcohol in high schools no matter the drinking age. People will do stupid things with alcohol.
The issue is that alcohol has become a forbidden fruit in the United States, meaning that instead of having alcohol as part of a regular and healthy diet, drinking in moderation, people view it as something that is looked down upon. Instead of being taught how to safely drink, we are told NOT to drink. Yet, alcohol is glamorized in the media. No wonder that 18-21 year olds drink so unhealthily. No wonder high school students want to drink. It symbolizes being older, cooler, more edgy. Alcohol becomes this mysterious thing you are not allowed to have or do, so of course you want to.
I don't remember when I had my first drink. My parents offered it to me at some point, probably in my early teens. I was at least ten. I do remember feeling very grown up as I was poured my first glass of wine, which was hardly more than a few sips. Frequently on special occasions I was offered a celebratory drink, always just a little bit. It didn't feel like something that was forbidden. I can't say I liked it much, or probably I would have asked to have some more often. It didn't feel like something forbidden when I went off to college. I did have a few drinks here and there, but because I had been shown that I should only drink a little at a time, I didn't get drunk. In fact, the first time I got drunk was shortly before my 21st birthday. The second time, was on my 21st birthday. I never did the 21 shots in an hour or anything like that. I drank until I felt like I was drunk and then I stopped. My normal drinking is a beer or two, a couple of glasses of wine, a mixed drink, on rare occasion maybe two. My binge drinking? Three to four shots, half a bottle of wine, four beers. It can hardly be considered binge drinking.
I'm lucky. I was taught how to drink in moderation and I had good role models. I tend to be fairly mature for my age. I had already had alcohol before I went to college and I wasn't interested in first time experiences that consisted of drinking a lot. I remember being the sober friend at a party and I didn't quite understand the fun of drinking like that. I like alcohol, and I consume it on a fairly regular basis but I learned the art of moderation.
I firmly believe if alcohol was less of a mysterious adult thing to do, it wouldn't be so exciting to try. It was exciting my first time, it was exciting, but my parents were there supervising the experience. I could hardly have finished off the entire bottle of wine. But for someone whose first experience is stolen time, hidden, secret, that would only intensify the experience. I could see them doing it again to get the feeling again, and since it wasn't likely to have been controlled they could drink as much as they like. Getting drunk and this feeling of being an adult, this adrenaline rush, would suddenly get tied together. Repeat for similar feeling.
Until the attitude over alcohol changes in the United States it won't matter what the drinking age is, because it will still be a glamorized forbidden fruit. THAT is the problem.
This has nothing to do with drunk drivers, because whether you are 18 or 21, driving under the influence is still illegal. I'm in favor for stricter laws all over for that. I would not be opposed to lowering the legal limit a bit. You shouldn't have even a few drinks and go out driving without some sobering up time. Because time is the only thing that allows you to sober up. Plenty of people get behind the wheel impaired, whether or not it's legal for them. Harsher fines. Go right ahead. It's not whether or not you can get alcohol that allows for drunk driving, or prevents drunk driving, it's people thinking about the punishments. If the punishment is not worth it, you'll think twice. Especially if it's easy to arrange other transportation. People who are going to drunk drive, are going to drunk drive at any age. A 19 year old is not going to suddenly be more inclined to drive drunk simply because they can legally drink. Also, if a 19 year old and a 21 year old drink the same amount and are the same size and weight, they will likely be the same amount of impaired. You don't suddenly get less impaired at 21, you get more leeway with the legal limit.
Lower the drinking age, lower the legal limit, change the alcohol culture.
Or keep it all the same, but CHANGE THE ALCOHOL CULTURE.
Monday, May 3, 2010
A Conversation Between Me and the Kittens
My new kittens, Daisy and Violet, are super vocal.
Me: -walks into the bathroom, where they live because they are not totally litterbox trained yet-
Kittens:-take 15.6 seconds to figure out who came in the door- MOMMY! MOMMY! It's mommy Daisy! Violet! Mommy just came in!
Me: Hi kitten faces.
Kittens: Mommy! -paws up on my leg- Mommy, we are hungry kittens and we want wet food. It's been such a long time since we had wet food.
Me: No, babies, no wet food for you. It's been upsetting your tummies.
Kittens: Wet food mommy! Please please please. Wet food! We are so hungry and it would be so good.
Me: Dry food.
Kittens: -start to climb up my legs- Mommy! Wet food is so good. It is our favorite. Please mommy! See how cute we are? Don't you want us to grow up big and strong?
Me: Dry food.
Kittens: Mommy! Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmy! Mommy!!!!!! Wet food! Wet foooooooooooood! We don't like dry food as much.
Me: -puts them in front of the dry food-
Kittens: -sniff- This is not what we wanted. No want. We'll make it clear. Wet. Food.
Me: No, babies.
They've been getting more out of the bathroom time to distract them from the fact that I have not been giving them dinner in the form of wet food. They have dry food in the bathroom round the clock but I was just giving it to them twice a day, then I cut it down to once a day when it looked like it was upsetting them. And I'm cutting it out entirely now. It helped my first set of fosters. But if halfway through tomorrow they still are having issues I have to contact the medical person. They act like healthy kittens but one was throwing up after every canned food eating and the other is having way too soft poop. Which can mean they get really dehydrated. Since they are formally feral cats they might just have some sort of parasite which is way treatable, but I hope it's just them not being used to the canned food diet. It fixed all problems with the first babies, switching them to all dry food temporarily. But it's so heartbreaking when they cry at me and I know what they want.
Me: -walks into the bathroom, where they live because they are not totally litterbox trained yet-
Kittens:-take 15.6 seconds to figure out who came in the door- MOMMY! MOMMY! It's mommy Daisy! Violet! Mommy just came in!
Me: Hi kitten faces.
Kittens: Mommy! -paws up on my leg- Mommy, we are hungry kittens and we want wet food. It's been such a long time since we had wet food.
Me: No, babies, no wet food for you. It's been upsetting your tummies.
Kittens: Wet food mommy! Please please please. Wet food! We are so hungry and it would be so good.
Me: Dry food.
Kittens: -start to climb up my legs- Mommy! Wet food is so good. It is our favorite. Please mommy! See how cute we are? Don't you want us to grow up big and strong?
Me: Dry food.
Kittens: Mommy! Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmy! Mommy!!!!!! Wet food! Wet foooooooooooood! We don't like dry food as much.
Me: -puts them in front of the dry food-
Kittens: -sniff- This is not what we wanted. No want. We'll make it clear. Wet. Food.
Me: No, babies.
They've been getting more out of the bathroom time to distract them from the fact that I have not been giving them dinner in the form of wet food. They have dry food in the bathroom round the clock but I was just giving it to them twice a day, then I cut it down to once a day when it looked like it was upsetting them. And I'm cutting it out entirely now. It helped my first set of fosters. But if halfway through tomorrow they still are having issues I have to contact the medical person. They act like healthy kittens but one was throwing up after every canned food eating and the other is having way too soft poop. Which can mean they get really dehydrated. Since they are formally feral cats they might just have some sort of parasite which is way treatable, but I hope it's just them not being used to the canned food diet. It fixed all problems with the first babies, switching them to all dry food temporarily. But it's so heartbreaking when they cry at me and I know what they want.
Monday, April 19, 2010
april is a bitch
There has been so much going on in my life. So much emotional upheaval. As usual for this time of year. Apparently April is my month to have everything out with the world. It's always raw. I fight more with the world in April than all other months of the years. Everything happens in April. I have hit so many great highs and the lowest parts of my life as well. Between about March 25 and May 5, giving April a little leeway.
It's only been a recent development. Only the last, not even a decade, six or seven years or so? Maybe eight. But it's April, always April. It senses that I'm about to celebrate another birthday (which for the record is usually good) and rears it's head.
Strangely enough I love April. I don't love the shit I feel like I usually end up going through at this time of the year but I love April. I love my birthday, I love the weather. I love the name of the month. April. There is something about it.
I'm never sure at the end of the month who wins. If there is a winner. If April is just doing this because it keeps me strong. It reminds me of what I'm doing and why. It reminds me of the fundamentals of my personality, of my very identity. April doesn't win, because I'm never someone different at the end of the month, just more myself. But at the same time I never win, because I go through this period of utter dissatisfaction, of clawing at the ground, temper tantrums at myself.
I hate that my room is messy I say. April reminds me that I like control, I like being able to control something. It doesn't have to be everything but I'm happier when I control something. I should be thankful for my good upbringing that this control never manifested itself as an eating disorder. Even when those beckoned to me. It would be easy to come down this path they call, you would enjoy it, you with your need for control and your love of perfection in yourself.
I always say I love food too much. Thank you mom and dad.
Why do I never stay quiet? I complain. I always manage to get myself into these positions that never make me happy. You were raised strong, April reminds. You are passionate. An Aries baby, Irish and Italian. Born in the year of the TIger. You couldn't be anything by passion. Passion runs through your veins and your family believes in opinions. Your mother skipped her high school graduation to go protest. Don't even pretend. You weren't taught to stay quiet, to compromise yourself because it might make others happy. But wait, I say, I did a year in which I wasn't myself. In which I compromised myself away, I know how to compromise. I can stay quiet. I can be that girl, the one who is easy to deal with. The one who will go with the flow and go along with everyone.
BULLSHIT. April calls. BULLSHIT.
Don't even fucking try.
April is right. There was a reason that relationship failed. Why I was miserable. I am not one to be intimidated down.
Remember what has been said about you, without even knowing, April reminds me. Remember how people realize your strength and you don't have to say anything. How even when you don't think you are strong it's radiating. Don't underestimate yourself so fucking much. I know what I'm talking about, April says.
I don't have much to say to April. I argue. I curse. Sometimes I even cry. April is a bitch.
But I am April.
Forget New Years, everyone is evaluating life at that time and in January I never want to do anything about it. It's cold. I'm missing the sunshine. And raspberries. And warmth. And halter tops. I can't care in January.
April is the perfect time. It's the start of my year. April 8. Happy new year! You are twenty four now, what are you going to do about it?
It's also because it was the start of freedom from that relationship. The one where I compromised everything away? Yeah, ended in April and April came rushing back in, happy to have me back. She wasn't happy when she realized she had to start from scratch again. So she reminds me every year. This is who YOU are. This is what YOU do. Maybe it's not easy, maybe it doesn't always mean rainbows and butterflies for you. But it means being you.
Thanks April. For being the worst and the best thing that has ever happened to me.
It's only been a recent development. Only the last, not even a decade, six or seven years or so? Maybe eight. But it's April, always April. It senses that I'm about to celebrate another birthday (which for the record is usually good) and rears it's head.
Strangely enough I love April. I don't love the shit I feel like I usually end up going through at this time of the year but I love April. I love my birthday, I love the weather. I love the name of the month. April. There is something about it.
I'm never sure at the end of the month who wins. If there is a winner. If April is just doing this because it keeps me strong. It reminds me of what I'm doing and why. It reminds me of the fundamentals of my personality, of my very identity. April doesn't win, because I'm never someone different at the end of the month, just more myself. But at the same time I never win, because I go through this period of utter dissatisfaction, of clawing at the ground, temper tantrums at myself.
I hate that my room is messy I say. April reminds me that I like control, I like being able to control something. It doesn't have to be everything but I'm happier when I control something. I should be thankful for my good upbringing that this control never manifested itself as an eating disorder. Even when those beckoned to me. It would be easy to come down this path they call, you would enjoy it, you with your need for control and your love of perfection in yourself.
I always say I love food too much. Thank you mom and dad.
Why do I never stay quiet? I complain. I always manage to get myself into these positions that never make me happy. You were raised strong, April reminds. You are passionate. An Aries baby, Irish and Italian. Born in the year of the TIger. You couldn't be anything by passion. Passion runs through your veins and your family believes in opinions. Your mother skipped her high school graduation to go protest. Don't even pretend. You weren't taught to stay quiet, to compromise yourself because it might make others happy. But wait, I say, I did a year in which I wasn't myself. In which I compromised myself away, I know how to compromise. I can stay quiet. I can be that girl, the one who is easy to deal with. The one who will go with the flow and go along with everyone.
BULLSHIT. April calls. BULLSHIT.
Don't even fucking try.
April is right. There was a reason that relationship failed. Why I was miserable. I am not one to be intimidated down.
Remember what has been said about you, without even knowing, April reminds me. Remember how people realize your strength and you don't have to say anything. How even when you don't think you are strong it's radiating. Don't underestimate yourself so fucking much. I know what I'm talking about, April says.
I don't have much to say to April. I argue. I curse. Sometimes I even cry. April is a bitch.
But I am April.
Forget New Years, everyone is evaluating life at that time and in January I never want to do anything about it. It's cold. I'm missing the sunshine. And raspberries. And warmth. And halter tops. I can't care in January.
April is the perfect time. It's the start of my year. April 8. Happy new year! You are twenty four now, what are you going to do about it?
It's also because it was the start of freedom from that relationship. The one where I compromised everything away? Yeah, ended in April and April came rushing back in, happy to have me back. She wasn't happy when she realized she had to start from scratch again. So she reminds me every year. This is who YOU are. This is what YOU do. Maybe it's not easy, maybe it doesn't always mean rainbows and butterflies for you. But it means being you.
Thanks April. For being the worst and the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
24 things I've accomplished in my lifetime
I turned twenty four the other day. And it was celebrated in good fun. I had lunch with a friend and saw a movie and then dinner with family and then the next night did a potluck style taco night with friends. Although there was a moment I felt that they were acting as if they were middle aged and I'm like....twenty four is still freaking young.
But that's not the point of today's post. I was reading another blog about what she won't be doing by the time she turns a certain age. And there is far too much I haven't done to limit myself to 24 things. But I wanted to see what I had accomplished in this time frame. And I'm going to try to not count things like "Learned to walk" because well, it's a pretty standard human thing and I want to know what is specific to myself.
In no particular order
1. Finished NaNoWriMo. Yep, that's right. This past November I wrote over fifty thousand words for the same story in one month.
2. Been in an Off-Broadway show. Sure, it might have been arranged through my college, but that doesn't change the fact I have an Off Broadway credit. It might not be commercial off Broadway either, but I'm still pretty happy about it. I was mentioned on Playbill Online.
3. Choreographed a solo piece. I called it "A Journey of Courage." I should try to get a videotape of it. Or re-teach it to myself and have someone videotape it. So I can have a permanent copy.
4. Earned two Bachelor of Arts degrees. One in Dance and one in Drama. From the University of California.
5. Took a full year, all three quarters of musical theatre three. Okay, unless you WENT to my college, you won't understand how ridiculously difficult it was to get into this class. A girl who was in a Tony winning revival of a musical never managed to take the class. I considerate a full out accomplishment.
6. Support myself. (Or at least I pay my own Rent, food, gas, utilities and most necessities. I'm not paying my phone bill or car insurance yet, but this is still a pretty big deal.)
7. Fallen in love. (And out of love for that matter.)
8. Learned to play piano and can still play decently and keep my hand in. This included learning to site read.
9. Can do the splits seven different ways. Yeah, I'm pretty flexible, and while some of that is genes some of that is stretching dedication.
10. Have completed two half marathons. Not great times, but I finished.
11. Have fostered two kittens successfully.
12. Have a good relationship with my family. It continues to get better I think.
13. Broke through a giant personal blockage. Admitted things to myself I never wanted to admit and then realized it was better this way.
14. Learned how to do a front and back handspring. I'm not perfect at either and at the moment, probably out of practice. But I know how to do it.
15. Can cook. Better than the general population. I'm not could compete on Top Chef level, I don't have the knife skills for that kind of thing, but gourmet dinners are pretty easy.
16. Can bake. Bought myself a KitchenAid mixer for it.
17. Feel secure in my identity.
18. Been to a political issue rally/vigil.
19. Voted in every election I have been capable of voting in.
20. Donated blood several times. I've saved lives!
21. Learned to dance en pointe. Again, not something I'm genius at, but I can do more than rise up on my toes.
22. Have run up a down escalator in heels. (It's bloody fucking hard.)
23. Learned how to sew.
24. Lived 24 years without any regrets.
But that's not the point of today's post. I was reading another blog about what she won't be doing by the time she turns a certain age. And there is far too much I haven't done to limit myself to 24 things. But I wanted to see what I had accomplished in this time frame. And I'm going to try to not count things like "Learned to walk" because well, it's a pretty standard human thing and I want to know what is specific to myself.
In no particular order
1. Finished NaNoWriMo. Yep, that's right. This past November I wrote over fifty thousand words for the same story in one month.
2. Been in an Off-Broadway show. Sure, it might have been arranged through my college, but that doesn't change the fact I have an Off Broadway credit. It might not be commercial off Broadway either, but I'm still pretty happy about it. I was mentioned on Playbill Online.
3. Choreographed a solo piece. I called it "A Journey of Courage." I should try to get a videotape of it. Or re-teach it to myself and have someone videotape it. So I can have a permanent copy.
4. Earned two Bachelor of Arts degrees. One in Dance and one in Drama. From the University of California.
5. Took a full year, all three quarters of musical theatre three. Okay, unless you WENT to my college, you won't understand how ridiculously difficult it was to get into this class. A girl who was in a Tony winning revival of a musical never managed to take the class. I considerate a full out accomplishment.
6. Support myself. (Or at least I pay my own Rent, food, gas, utilities and most necessities. I'm not paying my phone bill or car insurance yet, but this is still a pretty big deal.)
7. Fallen in love. (And out of love for that matter.)
8. Learned to play piano and can still play decently and keep my hand in. This included learning to site read.
9. Can do the splits seven different ways. Yeah, I'm pretty flexible, and while some of that is genes some of that is stretching dedication.
10. Have completed two half marathons. Not great times, but I finished.
11. Have fostered two kittens successfully.
12. Have a good relationship with my family. It continues to get better I think.
13. Broke through a giant personal blockage. Admitted things to myself I never wanted to admit and then realized it was better this way.
14. Learned how to do a front and back handspring. I'm not perfect at either and at the moment, probably out of practice. But I know how to do it.
15. Can cook. Better than the general population. I'm not could compete on Top Chef level, I don't have the knife skills for that kind of thing, but gourmet dinners are pretty easy.
16. Can bake. Bought myself a KitchenAid mixer for it.
17. Feel secure in my identity.
18. Been to a political issue rally/vigil.
19. Voted in every election I have been capable of voting in.
20. Donated blood several times. I've saved lives!
21. Learned to dance en pointe. Again, not something I'm genius at, but I can do more than rise up on my toes.
22. Have run up a down escalator in heels. (It's bloody fucking hard.)
23. Learned how to sew.
24. Lived 24 years without any regrets.
Monday, April 5, 2010
when did I go back to high school?
Seriously. I'm not one for drama. MInus the onstage sort.
But I'm known for having an opinion. I'm known for speaking my mind when I need to. I stand firm by what I say. I'm not a waffler. Plus there is a time to speak your opinion, such as if you are a member of a community and something is upsetting people on there, upsetting you and others but no one has said anything. Something has to say something. I don't mind saying something. I feel like I should. Communities don't work if there are people unhappy because of what other people are doing and something can indeed by done.
I'm a little annoyed that a select few are now vilifying me as if I'm solely to blame. Me and another community member got into a fight and things got a bit out of hand. I'm not going to go into all the details. Needless to say, we both did things that were not in the best interest. We both said things we shouldn't. She pushed, I pushed back, etc etc. Neither of us can fairly say we are in the right, and I haven't bothered to try.
I don't want to explain the whole situation here. But needless to say, other community members have gotten involved and it's turned into fucking high school. Only like dumbshit high school. Dramatized high school, as done by the media where it's like fighting and whatnot. Like mean girls style. It's so dumb. I wish people were more adult about this. Could recognize before they spoke up and put their nose in somewhere it doesn't belong (I know this might seem hypocritical but I spoke up about a community wide problem not about a feud between people who should be allowed to work it out on their own.) that there are always two sides to every story and it's doubtful either party is entirely innocent and that personal attacks weren't going to help matters.
Seriously? Why can't people be adults?
I want more kittens. They make better humans than humans.
But I'm known for having an opinion. I'm known for speaking my mind when I need to. I stand firm by what I say. I'm not a waffler. Plus there is a time to speak your opinion, such as if you are a member of a community and something is upsetting people on there, upsetting you and others but no one has said anything. Something has to say something. I don't mind saying something. I feel like I should. Communities don't work if there are people unhappy because of what other people are doing and something can indeed by done.
I'm a little annoyed that a select few are now vilifying me as if I'm solely to blame. Me and another community member got into a fight and things got a bit out of hand. I'm not going to go into all the details. Needless to say, we both did things that were not in the best interest. We both said things we shouldn't. She pushed, I pushed back, etc etc. Neither of us can fairly say we are in the right, and I haven't bothered to try.
I don't want to explain the whole situation here. But needless to say, other community members have gotten involved and it's turned into fucking high school. Only like dumbshit high school. Dramatized high school, as done by the media where it's like fighting and whatnot. Like mean girls style. It's so dumb. I wish people were more adult about this. Could recognize before they spoke up and put their nose in somewhere it doesn't belong (I know this might seem hypocritical but I spoke up about a community wide problem not about a feud between people who should be allowed to work it out on their own.) that there are always two sides to every story and it's doubtful either party is entirely innocent and that personal attacks weren't going to help matters.
Seriously? Why can't people be adults?
I want more kittens. They make better humans than humans.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
adoption
So Skimble and Munkustrap went to their first adoption fair today and didn't come back because people adored them and adopted them. It's so weird to be sitting here without a kitten in my face and I miss them. Hopefully there will be more kittens soon because I like having fur balls around.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
picking up and taking off
Every once in a while I feel this strange inexplicable need. I want to cut ties and go someplace where I don't have to deal with people. Sometimes it's brought on by nothing and in other cases it's a little more explained. I know right now I don't care about the possibility of burning bridges or leaving people behind. I just want to go someplace where I don't have to deal with things I don't want to deal with, or emotionally am not in the right place to deal with it.
I don't understand how people are so dense these days. I don't understand why people feel like the way they interpret things is the only one. Or how if they want to deal with something it needs to be now, no caring if it's right for the other person. When did this generation get so self centered and self important.
I'm so unimpressed. Where is my fucking hermitage. I'm moving to Walden.
I don't understand how people are so dense these days. I don't understand why people feel like the way they interpret things is the only one. Or how if they want to deal with something it needs to be now, no caring if it's right for the other person. When did this generation get so self centered and self important.
I'm so unimpressed. Where is my fucking hermitage. I'm moving to Walden.
Friday, April 2, 2010
elaboration
Well, I'm not really sure that it needs all that much elaboration. Because something casual isn't termed a fuck buddy so they aren't the same thing.
I was talking to a guy. I was going to say a person but it was a guy and that is still vague enough for you to not know who he is. We were talking about relationships and stuff and he was asking me why I wasn't dating currently. It's a long story and that isn't the point of the blog so let's go with the explanation that I'm just not. Which was what I was trying on giving me. Because that's generally the case. But the main point was I'm not looking for something serious. I don't want to deal with the hassle of keeping up a relationship. I want the benefits of being in a relationship without the dramatic upkeep. Because I feel like keeping one up requires a lot more work than I'm willing to put out right now. But that doesn't mean I want a fuck buddy. See the difference?
A fuck buddy is someone who's purpose is to have sex with. That is not the only benefit of being in a relationship and it's not the only benefit I want. It's nice to have someone you can hang out with and spend time with, maybe go on a date with. But something casual. Not something where you could have an anniversary because you aren't actually dating in a serious form. Just casual, no strings, if something better comes along no big deal kind of thing.
I was talking to a guy. I was going to say a person but it was a guy and that is still vague enough for you to not know who he is. We were talking about relationships and stuff and he was asking me why I wasn't dating currently. It's a long story and that isn't the point of the blog so let's go with the explanation that I'm just not. Which was what I was trying on giving me. Because that's generally the case. But the main point was I'm not looking for something serious. I don't want to deal with the hassle of keeping up a relationship. I want the benefits of being in a relationship without the dramatic upkeep. Because I feel like keeping one up requires a lot more work than I'm willing to put out right now. But that doesn't mean I want a fuck buddy. See the difference?
A fuck buddy is someone who's purpose is to have sex with. That is not the only benefit of being in a relationship and it's not the only benefit I want. It's nice to have someone you can hang out with and spend time with, maybe go on a date with. But something casual. Not something where you could have an anniversary because you aren't actually dating in a serious form. Just casual, no strings, if something better comes along no big deal kind of thing.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
something casual is not the same as fuck buddy
And I'll explain this later.
When I feel like blogging.
When I feel like blogging.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
splitting headache
I hate headaches. I hate them. I hate when they can't get rid of it. And I find it ridiculous that I have two kittens sleeping on me and my head is throbbing.
I hate tension headaches and they should go away when I tell them too.
I hate tension headaches and they should go away when I tell them too.
Friday, March 26, 2010
dear self
Please spend less time doing nothing and wasting time and more time getting stuff done. Like cleaning your apartment. And doing laundry. And ironing clothes. And those goals for the month. So many of them still need doing.
Playing with kittens all day long, while enjoyable, and they are so cute when they fall asleep on you, is not acceptable.
Playing with kittens all day long, while enjoyable, and they are so cute when they fall asleep on you, is not acceptable.
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