april is a bitch

There has been so much going on in my life. So much emotional upheaval. As usual for this time of year. Apparently April is my month to have everything out with the world. It's always raw. I fight more with the world in April than all other months of the years. Everything happens in April. I have hit so many great highs and the lowest parts of my life as well. Between about March 25 and May 5, giving April a little leeway.

It's only been a recent development. Only the last, not even a decade, six or seven years or so? Maybe eight. But it's April, always April. It senses that I'm about to celebrate another birthday (which for the record is usually good) and rears it's head.

Strangely enough I love April. I don't love the shit I feel like I usually end up going through at this time of the year but I love April. I love my birthday, I love the weather. I love the name of the month. April. There is something about it.

I'm never sure at the end of the month who wins. If there is a winner. If April is just doing this because it keeps me strong. It reminds me of what I'm doing and why. It reminds me of the fundamentals of my personality, of my very identity. April doesn't win, because I'm never someone different at the end of the month, just more myself. But at the same time I never win, because I go through this period of utter dissatisfaction, of clawing at the ground, temper tantrums at myself.

I hate that my room is messy I say. April reminds me that I like control, I like being able to control something. It doesn't have to be everything but I'm happier when I control something. I should be thankful for my good upbringing that this control never manifested itself as an eating disorder. Even when those beckoned to me. It would be easy to come down this path they call, you would enjoy it, you with your need for control and your love of perfection in yourself.

I always say I love food too much. Thank you mom and dad.

Why do I never stay quiet? I complain. I always manage to get myself into these positions that never make me happy. You were raised strong, April reminds. You are passionate. An Aries baby, Irish and Italian. Born in the year of the TIger. You couldn't be anything by passion. Passion runs through your veins and your family believes in opinions. Your mother skipped her high school graduation to go protest. Don't even pretend. You weren't taught to stay quiet, to compromise yourself because it might make others happy. But wait, I say, I did a year in which I wasn't myself. In which I compromised myself away, I know how to compromise. I can stay quiet. I can be that girl, the one who is easy to deal with. The one who will go with the flow and go along with everyone.

BULLSHIT. April calls. BULLSHIT.

Don't even fucking try.

April is right. There was a reason that relationship failed. Why I was miserable. I am not one to be intimidated down.

Remember what has been said about you, without even knowing, April reminds me. Remember how people realize your strength and you don't have to say anything. How even when you don't think you are strong it's radiating. Don't underestimate yourself so fucking much. I know what I'm talking about, April says.

I don't have much to say to April. I argue. I curse. Sometimes I even cry. April is a bitch.

But I am April.

Forget New Years, everyone is evaluating life at that time and in January I never want to do anything about it. It's cold. I'm missing the sunshine. And raspberries. And warmth. And halter tops. I can't care in January.

April is the perfect time. It's the start of my year. April 8. Happy new year! You are twenty four now, what are you going to do about it?

It's also because it was the start of freedom from that relationship. The one where I compromised everything away? Yeah, ended in April and April came rushing back in, happy to have me back. She wasn't happy when she realized she had to start from scratch again. So she reminds me every year. This is who YOU are. This is what YOU do. Maybe it's not easy, maybe it doesn't always mean rainbows and butterflies for you. But it means being you.

Thanks April. For being the worst and the best thing that has ever happened to me.