where am I going?

I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with my life.

It’s hard to say really.

Are the dreams I’ve had since I was ten years old, the dream I still want to make my life out ot be. I think so. Maybe. I do want to perform. I want to do theatre and I would be happy doing movies or TV. The problem, with most anything I do nowadays, is the motivation. Everyone else seems so much more motivated than me, to put themselves out there, to get agents, to move to New York or LA, to even go to auditions.

I want to perform, but I don’t have the energy to go get it right now. Which may be a medical problem all of itself. For lack of a better term, I’ve been highly bipolar lately. I’ll have these fabulous highs, it feels like I could accomplish anything and everything, I’m on top of the world, but then a few hours later nothing is going right. I’m stressed, I don’t have enough money, my life is a wreck. All I want to do is crawl into my bed and cry.

In those highs, I get stuff done, and in the middle ground between the highs and the lows. I got all my clothes sorted the other day. I cleaned the living room. The last night I worked, the popcorn seeds that get lodged in the floor by the drains bothered me and I dug them out with the screwdriver. The floor is now cleaner than I’ve seen it in a while. But I can’t seem to line those highs up with times for doing anything towards making my goals of being an actress. I just want to be one already. Can’t we skip the hard part?

In the meanwhile, I keep thinking about the fact that I need to make money, and even if I get my behind in gear and start going to auditions I still need to be able to live. Where I work is fine, it’s not like I dislike the job, but I don’t love it either. I’d like to be doing something more interesting, more challenging.

Money was part of the reason I started a blog to begin with, funnily enough. That, and I’ve always had this goal of documenting my life. I’m terrible at keeping a diary though, whether written on paper or typed on the internet, or just typed on my computer.

But you hear about these blogs that people actually make money off of, or they get noticed writing or something somehow through their blog. I’d love that. Kind of. But then I’d have to go through the work of coming up with interesting things to write. And sometimes all I’ve got is…I went to work today and it was okay. Doesn’t exactly make for great blogging material. And I can’t seem to think of an idea that is novel enough to start a blog around.

Well, maybe I have one, but the motivational thing….still a problem.

Thinking about making money now, besides the blog that I can’t get started aspect, I’d love to write. In the past couple of years, my writing juices have just been so open and adament about being heard. Another reason why starting a blog was tempting to me. I like writing. But I don’t know how to get paid for writing.

I also like to travel, but I don’t know how to get paid to travel.
There are numerous things I like to do that I wish I could get paid for. Traveling. Sleeping. Eating. Basically, it would be nice if someone just paid for my life. If money just fell in my lap so I could support myself and I could do things I liked without worrying about the money. I’d still want to work. I don’t think I could sit at home all day or even travel, eat, and sleep all day without needing a job, even a small part time one. I like the idea of usefulness, and having a job makes me feel useful. Maybe I’d feel different if I was getting paid to write, but I don’t know.

Someone suggested I could be a travel writer, or a food critic, or something along the lines of combining writing with something I like to do. I could, but I don’t really want to. I think I object to the idea of me “being” any of those things, making a career out of it. I don’t really like the word career, and I already identify myself as an actress. I’m an actress, who likes to travel, write and eat. And sleep, but I don’t think ANYONE gets paid long term for sleeping. If you know someone who makes a living off of sleep studies…then go ahead and prove me wrong, but I will think you are lying out your ass.

Maybe that’s my problem. I identify too much with this long term dream of mine that I’m doing nothing about that I can’t wrap my head around doing something different. I’m not sure, but I’m up again at almost 7am, meaning, I haven’t slept yet, trying to figure out what I want out of life. As if I should know at twenty four. It’s not like I’m old, I have plenty of time still to dabble and try things. And then I start worrying if I’ll ever settle down and do something. Which I’m pretty sure is a stigma of society, not something I came up with on my own.

Because, it wouldn’t really be bad if I was an actress, (once I get my act together), who dabbles in traveling, writing, eating and sleeping. And whatever else I may decide to try. Do I really have to label myself as one thing? Can I just be an adventurer? I like that idea.