april is a bitch

There has been so much going on in my life. So much emotional upheaval. As usual for this time of year. Apparently April is my month to have everything out with the world. It's always raw. I fight more with the world in April than all other months of the years. Everything happens in April. I have hit so many great highs and the lowest parts of my life as well. Between about March 25 and May 5, giving April a little leeway.

It's only been a recent development. Only the last, not even a decade, six or seven years or so? Maybe eight. But it's April, always April. It senses that I'm about to celebrate another birthday (which for the record is usually good) and rears it's head.

Strangely enough I love April. I don't love the shit I feel like I usually end up going through at this time of the year but I love April. I love my birthday, I love the weather. I love the name of the month. April. There is something about it.

I'm never sure at the end of the month who wins. If there is a winner. If April is just doing this because it keeps me strong. It reminds me of what I'm doing and why. It reminds me of the fundamentals of my personality, of my very identity. April doesn't win, because I'm never someone different at the end of the month, just more myself. But at the same time I never win, because I go through this period of utter dissatisfaction, of clawing at the ground, temper tantrums at myself.

I hate that my room is messy I say. April reminds me that I like control, I like being able to control something. It doesn't have to be everything but I'm happier when I control something. I should be thankful for my good upbringing that this control never manifested itself as an eating disorder. Even when those beckoned to me. It would be easy to come down this path they call, you would enjoy it, you with your need for control and your love of perfection in yourself.

I always say I love food too much. Thank you mom and dad.

Why do I never stay quiet? I complain. I always manage to get myself into these positions that never make me happy. You were raised strong, April reminds. You are passionate. An Aries baby, Irish and Italian. Born in the year of the TIger. You couldn't be anything by passion. Passion runs through your veins and your family believes in opinions. Your mother skipped her high school graduation to go protest. Don't even pretend. You weren't taught to stay quiet, to compromise yourself because it might make others happy. But wait, I say, I did a year in which I wasn't myself. In which I compromised myself away, I know how to compromise. I can stay quiet. I can be that girl, the one who is easy to deal with. The one who will go with the flow and go along with everyone.

BULLSHIT. April calls. BULLSHIT.

Don't even fucking try.

April is right. There was a reason that relationship failed. Why I was miserable. I am not one to be intimidated down.

Remember what has been said about you, without even knowing, April reminds me. Remember how people realize your strength and you don't have to say anything. How even when you don't think you are strong it's radiating. Don't underestimate yourself so fucking much. I know what I'm talking about, April says.

I don't have much to say to April. I argue. I curse. Sometimes I even cry. April is a bitch.

But I am April.

Forget New Years, everyone is evaluating life at that time and in January I never want to do anything about it. It's cold. I'm missing the sunshine. And raspberries. And warmth. And halter tops. I can't care in January.

April is the perfect time. It's the start of my year. April 8. Happy new year! You are twenty four now, what are you going to do about it?

It's also because it was the start of freedom from that relationship. The one where I compromised everything away? Yeah, ended in April and April came rushing back in, happy to have me back. She wasn't happy when she realized she had to start from scratch again. So she reminds me every year. This is who YOU are. This is what YOU do. Maybe it's not easy, maybe it doesn't always mean rainbows and butterflies for you. But it means being you.

Thanks April. For being the worst and the best thing that has ever happened to me.

24 things I've accomplished in my lifetime

I turned twenty four the other day. And it was celebrated in good fun. I had lunch with a friend and saw a movie and then dinner with family and then the next night did a potluck style taco night with friends. Although there was a moment I felt that they were acting as if they were middle aged and I'm like....twenty four is still freaking young.

But that's not the point of today's post. I was reading another blog about what she won't be doing by the time she turns a certain age. And there is far too much I haven't done to limit myself to 24 things. But I wanted to see what I had accomplished in this time frame. And I'm going to try to not count things like "Learned to walk" because well, it's a pretty standard human thing and I want to know what is specific to myself.

In no particular order

1. Finished NaNoWriMo. Yep, that's right. This past November I wrote over fifty thousand words for the same story in one month.

2. Been in an Off-Broadway show. Sure, it might have been arranged through my college, but that doesn't change the fact I have an Off Broadway credit. It might not be commercial off Broadway either, but I'm still pretty happy about it. I was mentioned on Playbill Online.

3. Choreographed a solo piece. I called it "A Journey of Courage." I should try to get a videotape of it. Or re-teach it to myself and have someone videotape it. So I can have a permanent copy.

4. Earned two Bachelor of Arts degrees. One in Dance and one in Drama. From the University of California.

5. Took a full year, all three quarters of musical theatre three. Okay, unless you WENT to my college, you won't understand how ridiculously difficult it was to get into this class. A girl who was in a Tony winning revival of a musical never managed to take the class. I considerate a full out accomplishment.

6. Support myself. (Or at least I pay my own Rent, food, gas, utilities and most necessities. I'm not paying my phone bill or car insurance yet, but this is still a pretty big deal.)

7. Fallen in love. (And out of love for that matter.)

8. Learned to play piano and can still play decently and keep my hand in. This included learning to site read.

9. Can do the splits seven different ways. Yeah, I'm pretty flexible, and while some of that is genes some of that is stretching dedication.

10. Have completed two half marathons. Not great times, but I finished.

11. Have fostered two kittens successfully.

12. Have a good relationship with my family. It continues to get better I think.

13. Broke through a giant personal blockage. Admitted things to myself I never wanted to admit and then realized it was better this way.

14. Learned how to do a front and back handspring. I'm not perfect at either and at the moment, probably out of practice. But I know how to do it.

15. Can cook. Better than the general population. I'm not could compete on Top Chef level, I don't have the knife skills for that kind of thing, but gourmet dinners are pretty easy.

16. Can bake. Bought myself a KitchenAid mixer for it.

17. Feel secure in my identity.

18. Been to a political issue rally/vigil.

19. Voted in every election I have been capable of voting in.

20. Donated blood several times. I've saved lives!

21. Learned to dance en pointe. Again, not something I'm genius at, but I can do more than rise up on my toes.

22. Have run up a down escalator in heels. (It's bloody fucking hard.)

23. Learned how to sew.

24. Lived 24 years without any regrets.

when did I go back to high school?

Seriously. I'm not one for drama. MInus the onstage sort.

But I'm known for having an opinion. I'm known for speaking my mind when I need to. I stand firm by what I say. I'm not a waffler. Plus there is a time to speak your opinion, such as if you are a member of a community and something is upsetting people on there, upsetting you and others but no one has said anything. Something has to say something. I don't mind saying something. I feel like I should. Communities don't work if there are people unhappy because of what other people are doing and something can indeed by done.

I'm a little annoyed that a select few are now vilifying me as if I'm solely to blame. Me and another community member got into a fight and things got a bit out of hand. I'm not going to go into all the details. Needless to say, we both did things that were not in the best interest. We both said things we shouldn't. She pushed, I pushed back, etc etc. Neither of us can fairly say we are in the right, and I haven't bothered to try.

I don't want to explain the whole situation here. But needless to say, other community members have gotten involved and it's turned into fucking high school. Only like dumbshit high school. Dramatized high school, as done by the media where it's like fighting and whatnot. Like mean girls style. It's so dumb. I wish people were more adult about this. Could recognize before they spoke up and put their nose in somewhere it doesn't belong (I know this might seem hypocritical but I spoke up about a community wide problem not about a feud between people who should be allowed to work it out on their own.) that there are always two sides to every story and it's doubtful either party is entirely innocent and that personal attacks weren't going to help matters.

Seriously? Why can't people be adults?

I want more kittens. They make better humans than humans.

adoption

So Skimble and Munkustrap went to their first adoption fair today and didn't come back because people adored them and adopted them. It's so weird to be sitting here without a kitten in my face and I miss them. Hopefully there will be more kittens soon because I like having fur balls around.

picking up and taking off

Every once in a while I feel this strange inexplicable need. I want to cut ties and go someplace where I don't have to deal with people. Sometimes it's brought on by nothing and in other cases it's a little more explained. I know right now I don't care about the possibility of burning bridges or leaving people behind. I just want to go someplace where I don't have to deal with things I don't want to deal with, or emotionally am not in the right place to deal with it.

I don't understand how people are so dense these days. I don't understand why people feel like the way they interpret things is the only one. Or how if they want to deal with something it needs to be now, no caring if it's right for the other person. When did this generation get so self centered and self important.

I'm so unimpressed. Where is my fucking hermitage. I'm moving to Walden.

elaboration

Well, I'm not really sure that it needs all that much elaboration. Because something casual isn't termed a fuck buddy so they aren't the same thing.

I was talking to a guy. I was going to say a person but it was a guy and that is still vague enough for you to not know who he is. We were talking about relationships and stuff and he was asking me why I wasn't dating currently. It's a long story and that isn't the point of the blog so let's go with the explanation that I'm just not. Which was what I was trying on giving me. Because that's generally the case. But the main point was I'm not looking for something serious. I don't want to deal with the hassle of keeping up a relationship. I want the benefits of being in a relationship without the dramatic upkeep. Because I feel like keeping one up requires a lot more work than I'm willing to put out right now. But that doesn't mean I want a fuck buddy. See the difference?

A fuck buddy is someone who's purpose is to have sex with. That is not the only benefit of being in a relationship and it's not the only benefit I want. It's nice to have someone you can hang out with and spend time with, maybe go on a date with. But something casual. Not something where you could have an anniversary because you aren't actually dating in a serious form. Just casual, no strings, if something better comes along no big deal kind of thing.

something casual is not the same as fuck buddy

And I'll explain this later.

When I feel like blogging.