being a bitch and the kitten i'm going to adopt.

So the other day, I got off work at about 2am and I was craving chicken strips. Luckily there is a 24 hour carl's jr.

I go to Carl's Jr and I wait in the long line. There is always a long wait for some reason, it takes them forever to take orders and make orders. SO SLOW. I get up to the intercom, place my order and then the woman informs me it's cash only. AFTER I've waited in line, and placed and order. I don't have any cash on me and it's in the middle of the night so I'm not just going to hop over to a ATM. If there is one in this shopping center. I cancel my order and have to sit in line and wait for the three cars ahead of me to finish up. grrr. I'm annoyed and I don't have my chicken strips.

Why didn't she let me know at the beginning of my order? Why didn't they put up a sign at the beginning of the drive through so I didn't have to wait in the fucking line? They normally take cards so out of courtesy you'd think they could write "cash only" on a piece of paper and tape it out there. Give people fair warning in order to not waste my time. Some people might be only out for high munchies, but some of us are getting off work.

So, I decided I still wanted my chicken strips but I wasn't going to go to an ATM.

I went home, opened up the piggy bank I keep change in, counted out 6 dollars of dimes and nickels, put it in a plastic bag and headed back. Girl didn't even blink an eye but I felt vindicated taking out the 68 cents that I had extra in there and handing it over.

I also got my chicken strips.





In other news. I have fostered 8 kittens. 7 of them, while it was sad to give them up, I gave up pretty easily. I loved them and would have loved to keep them but I didn't need to convince myself I shouldn't be adopting a kitten. I knew it.

Number 8 refuses to be adopted out. She has found her home and she has chosen me as her owner. This is painfully obvious. She will sleep on me. I come home and she purrs. I took her to adoptions on Saturday, where she had been the previous week, and she was so grumpy. She hated it. She hissed at the other kittens and wasn't interested in any person. If someone else tried to pick her up, she avoided them like the plague. I picked her up, put her on my lap and she promptly curled up for a nap, later rolling over on her back for a belly rub.

I've been running over the pros and cons of adopting this kitten. It comes down to this, I can afford her, just barely. If I got a national tour I could take her along. If I got a cruise ship though I'd need someone to take her. I know it will be more difficult yo move to NY with a kitten. I'm fine with doing it anyway. I've planned out how this will work, down to training her to use the toilet to save on litter and to make trekking around easier.

Would it be easier to be pet less? Most certainly. Would I have more money if I was pet less? Yep.

But do I think she can find a home where she can be equally happy? No. No I don't. Even the other people that she gets along with she more tolerates then loves. She'll play with them, she'll rub against them but it's not the open her heart attachment she has with me. I didn't plan on this when I was fostering kittens because I knew I didn't want to adopt at this time. But looking at this cat I feel like it would be too cruel for me to not adopt her. She doesn't want to go to the adoption events and play nice. She would rather sit on my couch and purr.



Jasmine made her decision, it seems. And so I'm thinking I'm going to go ahead and formally claim her. And give her a new name. Jasmine is pretty but it's not a really good fit for her. She needs something shorter. Right now, I'm thinking Nala. I was thinking Pounce but she looks so much like a little lion Nala might be better. Right now she's curled up half on me half on a pillow, purring and napping away. Happy happy little kitten. Sneaking into my life. Trickster.

Oh, and while you can't tell int he picture she's a grey calico. She looks all grey but she's got muted calico coloring. <33 With fantastic jumping abilities.

pet peeves

I am realizing I have a lot of pet peeves.

There are lots of things that annoy me about the world and people. I may be an old curmudgeon before I hit the quarter century mark.

I don't like drivers who MUST have a spot on the first floor of the parking structure even though there are 897987 spots above them if only they would drive up a floor.

I don't like drivers who feel they should get to drive out of their first floor parking spot when there is a line of ten cars trying to get in. No, you fucking wait. You had to have that parking spot that was on the main throughway, you can wait until the line is a little less busy.

I have a lot of driving ones. I get frustrated by people's driving a lot.

I don't like it when someone complains about someone, is given a solution and they go right on complaining about it.

I don't like it when people complain about wanting/needing to lose weight and then are like....let's go to McDonalds. But when you invite them to go running/gym with you they are like /lazy. Don't whine at me then.

I don't like it when customers answer my questions with yeah, and then are like...no I don't want that. Then say no you idiots.


One of my big ones is when people assume I know nothing about a subject simply because I haven't said anything about it before, or because what I say might seem offhand. There seem to be a lot of variations of this. I get the, oh your life can't possibly have anything wrong in it and therefore you can't have experienced anything like it. Or the everyone who makes that sort of comment is just ignorant, no matter what you meant by it. Or the, you know that person has gone through a lot in their life.


I'd like to say once and for all that yes, I have experienced hardships. I may come from an upper middle class background but that doesn't mean a life full of sunshine and rainbows. There are things that lie beneath my veneer that are not clean and pretty. Sure there are people who have had it a lot worse then me. But I've gone through things that count as hardships pretty much anywhere, I just don't go about flaunting it. Some people do. Some people make their business known to everyone. I do not.

Also, I generally do not make completely uninformed comments. It's a pretty rare occurrence. I like to know about things. Especially things that I think might actually affect me. I find it ignorant when people assume I can't possibly know anything about a subject because my comment doesn't fit with their accepted viewpoints on the matter. Or that I only know the stereotypes.

When people say that so and so has gone through a lot in their life I feel they have missed the fact that I also have a life and they do not know everything that has gone on in my life. Whether someone knows me through work, or met me first online, or is even a close friend of mine, I'm a pretty private person. In recent years I've become slightly less private. I've started speaking out on issues that I feel people underestimate. Or someone will make a comment, I'll respond and people will go huh? and I feel this need to explain. I'm not trying to say that someone else's lot in life is in any way made less, but I find it obnoxious when someone goes on about how that person has gone through a lot and is this way because of it. I hate it as an excuse and I hate it more when a third party uses it as an excuse for someone else. Life has happened to me too, whether or not you know about it.

I'm not an innocent ignorant child.

Unless you know my life story, unless you know my medical history, and my family's medical history, unless you know all the good things and all the bad things, all my quirks, basically, unless you are me, you cannot make those judgements about me.
I guess basically my pet peeve is people thinking they know me.


I know it goes both ways, and I know when there is other stuff going on, it's easy to filter through that, but I feel like people are constantly making assumptions about me. I'm this or I'm that. I can't be this, I can't be that. Sometimes I just want to blow people's minds.

drinking age

There is a lot of debate about the drinking age in the United States.

Personally, I'm all in favor of lowering the drinking age to 18. I don't think it's reasonable to be considered an adult and not be able to fully act like one. I don't feel it is comparable to the rental car companies age discrimination of car rentals and insurance companies, because older people who continue to drive irresponsibly also get affected. A 40 year old cannot get cheap insurance if he drives badly, but a 40 year old alcoholic can still be served in bars. An insurance company could chose to give cheaper insurance to a responsible 18 year old driver. It's more a matter of choice for the company than a matter of law. Bars would still be allowed to set their own ages for that particular bar since they have the right to refuse service.

18 year olds are considered an adult in the United States. You can legally sign your name to a contract. You can sign up for the military. You no longer need a work permit and are free to find any gainful employment without any sort of permission. You can vote in all elections-you can help choose the President of the United States. You can buy cigarettes. Porn. Lottery tickets. There are plenty of dangerous things you can do at 18. But you cannot buy a drink. Adult should mean adult privileges. That should include drinking.

18 year olds are, in general, immature. 21 year olds, on a whole, are not a great deal more mature. But they are adults. They are no longer children, they are immature adults. Adults get to make their own choices. Good ones and bad ones.


But the real problem with alcohol is not the drinking age. There is going to be binge drinking whether the drinking age is 21 or 18. There will be alcohol in high schools no matter the drinking age. People will do stupid things with alcohol.

The issue is that alcohol has become a forbidden fruit in the United States, meaning that instead of having alcohol as part of a regular and healthy diet, drinking in moderation, people view it as something that is looked down upon. Instead of being taught how to safely drink, we are told NOT to drink. Yet, alcohol is glamorized in the media. No wonder that 18-21 year olds drink so unhealthily. No wonder high school students want to drink. It symbolizes being older, cooler, more edgy. Alcohol becomes this mysterious thing you are not allowed to have or do, so of course you want to.

I don't remember when I had my first drink. My parents offered it to me at some point, probably in my early teens. I was at least ten. I do remember feeling very grown up as I was poured my first glass of wine, which was hardly more than a few sips. Frequently on special occasions I was offered a celebratory drink, always just a little bit. It didn't feel like something that was forbidden. I can't say I liked it much, or probably I would have asked to have some more often. It didn't feel like something forbidden when I went off to college. I did have a few drinks here and there, but because I had been shown that I should only drink a little at a time, I didn't get drunk. In fact, the first time I got drunk was shortly before my 21st birthday. The second time, was on my 21st birthday. I never did the 21 shots in an hour or anything like that. I drank until I felt like I was drunk and then I stopped. My normal drinking is a beer or two, a couple of glasses of wine, a mixed drink, on rare occasion maybe two. My binge drinking? Three to four shots, half a bottle of wine, four beers. It can hardly be considered binge drinking.

I'm lucky. I was taught how to drink in moderation and I had good role models. I tend to be fairly mature for my age. I had already had alcohol before I went to college and I wasn't interested in first time experiences that consisted of drinking a lot. I remember being the sober friend at a party and I didn't quite understand the fun of drinking like that. I like alcohol, and I consume it on a fairly regular basis but I learned the art of moderation.

I firmly believe if alcohol was less of a mysterious adult thing to do, it wouldn't be so exciting to try. It was exciting my first time, it was exciting, but my parents were there supervising the experience. I could hardly have finished off the entire bottle of wine. But for someone whose first experience is stolen time, hidden, secret, that would only intensify the experience. I could see them doing it again to get the feeling again, and since it wasn't likely to have been controlled they could drink as much as they like. Getting drunk and this feeling of being an adult, this adrenaline rush, would suddenly get tied together. Repeat for similar feeling.

Until the attitude over alcohol changes in the United States it won't matter what the drinking age is, because it will still be a glamorized forbidden fruit. THAT is the problem.

This has nothing to do with drunk drivers, because whether you are 18 or 21, driving under the influence is still illegal. I'm in favor for stricter laws all over for that. I would not be opposed to lowering the legal limit a bit. You shouldn't have even a few drinks and go out driving without some sobering up time. Because time is the only thing that allows you to sober up. Plenty of people get behind the wheel impaired, whether or not it's legal for them. Harsher fines. Go right ahead. It's not whether or not you can get alcohol that allows for drunk driving, or prevents drunk driving, it's people thinking about the punishments. If the punishment is not worth it, you'll think twice. Especially if it's easy to arrange other transportation. People who are going to drunk drive, are going to drunk drive at any age. A 19 year old is not going to suddenly be more inclined to drive drunk simply because they can legally drink. Also, if a 19 year old and a 21 year old drink the same amount and are the same size and weight, they will likely be the same amount of impaired. You don't suddenly get less impaired at 21, you get more leeway with the legal limit.

Lower the drinking age, lower the legal limit, change the alcohol culture.

Or keep it all the same, but CHANGE THE ALCOHOL CULTURE.

A Conversation Between Me and the Kittens

My new kittens, Daisy and Violet, are super vocal.

Me: -walks into the bathroom, where they live because they are not totally litterbox trained yet-
Kittens:-take 15.6 seconds to figure out who came in the door- MOMMY! MOMMY! It's mommy Daisy! Violet! Mommy just came in!
Me: Hi kitten faces.
Kittens: Mommy! -paws up on my leg- Mommy, we are hungry kittens and we want wet food. It's been such a long time since we had wet food.
Me: No, babies, no wet food for you. It's been upsetting your tummies.
Kittens: Wet food mommy! Please please please. Wet food! We are so hungry and it would be so good.
Me: Dry food.
Kittens: -start to climb up my legs- Mommy! Wet food is so good. It is our favorite. Please mommy! See how cute we are? Don't you want us to grow up big and strong?
Me: Dry food.
Kittens: Mommy! Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmy! Mommy!!!!!! Wet food! Wet foooooooooooood! We don't like dry food as much.
Me: -puts them in front of the dry food-
Kittens: -sniff- This is not what we wanted. No want. We'll make it clear. Wet. Food.
Me: No, babies.


They've been getting more out of the bathroom time to distract them from the fact that I have not been giving them dinner in the form of wet food. They have dry food in the bathroom round the clock but I was just giving it to them twice a day, then I cut it down to once a day when it looked like it was upsetting them. And I'm cutting it out entirely now. It helped my first set of fosters. But if halfway through tomorrow they still are having issues I have to contact the medical person. They act like healthy kittens but one was throwing up after every canned food eating and the other is having way too soft poop. Which can mean they get really dehydrated. Since they are formally feral cats they might just have some sort of parasite which is way treatable, but I hope it's just them not being used to the canned food diet. It fixed all problems with the first babies, switching them to all dry food temporarily. But it's so heartbreaking when they cry at me and I know what they want.

april is a bitch

There has been so much going on in my life. So much emotional upheaval. As usual for this time of year. Apparently April is my month to have everything out with the world. It's always raw. I fight more with the world in April than all other months of the years. Everything happens in April. I have hit so many great highs and the lowest parts of my life as well. Between about March 25 and May 5, giving April a little leeway.

It's only been a recent development. Only the last, not even a decade, six or seven years or so? Maybe eight. But it's April, always April. It senses that I'm about to celebrate another birthday (which for the record is usually good) and rears it's head.

Strangely enough I love April. I don't love the shit I feel like I usually end up going through at this time of the year but I love April. I love my birthday, I love the weather. I love the name of the month. April. There is something about it.

I'm never sure at the end of the month who wins. If there is a winner. If April is just doing this because it keeps me strong. It reminds me of what I'm doing and why. It reminds me of the fundamentals of my personality, of my very identity. April doesn't win, because I'm never someone different at the end of the month, just more myself. But at the same time I never win, because I go through this period of utter dissatisfaction, of clawing at the ground, temper tantrums at myself.

I hate that my room is messy I say. April reminds me that I like control, I like being able to control something. It doesn't have to be everything but I'm happier when I control something. I should be thankful for my good upbringing that this control never manifested itself as an eating disorder. Even when those beckoned to me. It would be easy to come down this path they call, you would enjoy it, you with your need for control and your love of perfection in yourself.

I always say I love food too much. Thank you mom and dad.

Why do I never stay quiet? I complain. I always manage to get myself into these positions that never make me happy. You were raised strong, April reminds. You are passionate. An Aries baby, Irish and Italian. Born in the year of the TIger. You couldn't be anything by passion. Passion runs through your veins and your family believes in opinions. Your mother skipped her high school graduation to go protest. Don't even pretend. You weren't taught to stay quiet, to compromise yourself because it might make others happy. But wait, I say, I did a year in which I wasn't myself. In which I compromised myself away, I know how to compromise. I can stay quiet. I can be that girl, the one who is easy to deal with. The one who will go with the flow and go along with everyone.

BULLSHIT. April calls. BULLSHIT.

Don't even fucking try.

April is right. There was a reason that relationship failed. Why I was miserable. I am not one to be intimidated down.

Remember what has been said about you, without even knowing, April reminds me. Remember how people realize your strength and you don't have to say anything. How even when you don't think you are strong it's radiating. Don't underestimate yourself so fucking much. I know what I'm talking about, April says.

I don't have much to say to April. I argue. I curse. Sometimes I even cry. April is a bitch.

But I am April.

Forget New Years, everyone is evaluating life at that time and in January I never want to do anything about it. It's cold. I'm missing the sunshine. And raspberries. And warmth. And halter tops. I can't care in January.

April is the perfect time. It's the start of my year. April 8. Happy new year! You are twenty four now, what are you going to do about it?

It's also because it was the start of freedom from that relationship. The one where I compromised everything away? Yeah, ended in April and April came rushing back in, happy to have me back. She wasn't happy when she realized she had to start from scratch again. So she reminds me every year. This is who YOU are. This is what YOU do. Maybe it's not easy, maybe it doesn't always mean rainbows and butterflies for you. But it means being you.

Thanks April. For being the worst and the best thing that has ever happened to me.

24 things I've accomplished in my lifetime

I turned twenty four the other day. And it was celebrated in good fun. I had lunch with a friend and saw a movie and then dinner with family and then the next night did a potluck style taco night with friends. Although there was a moment I felt that they were acting as if they were middle aged and I'm like....twenty four is still freaking young.

But that's not the point of today's post. I was reading another blog about what she won't be doing by the time she turns a certain age. And there is far too much I haven't done to limit myself to 24 things. But I wanted to see what I had accomplished in this time frame. And I'm going to try to not count things like "Learned to walk" because well, it's a pretty standard human thing and I want to know what is specific to myself.

In no particular order

1. Finished NaNoWriMo. Yep, that's right. This past November I wrote over fifty thousand words for the same story in one month.

2. Been in an Off-Broadway show. Sure, it might have been arranged through my college, but that doesn't change the fact I have an Off Broadway credit. It might not be commercial off Broadway either, but I'm still pretty happy about it. I was mentioned on Playbill Online.

3. Choreographed a solo piece. I called it "A Journey of Courage." I should try to get a videotape of it. Or re-teach it to myself and have someone videotape it. So I can have a permanent copy.

4. Earned two Bachelor of Arts degrees. One in Dance and one in Drama. From the University of California.

5. Took a full year, all three quarters of musical theatre three. Okay, unless you WENT to my college, you won't understand how ridiculously difficult it was to get into this class. A girl who was in a Tony winning revival of a musical never managed to take the class. I considerate a full out accomplishment.

6. Support myself. (Or at least I pay my own Rent, food, gas, utilities and most necessities. I'm not paying my phone bill or car insurance yet, but this is still a pretty big deal.)

7. Fallen in love. (And out of love for that matter.)

8. Learned to play piano and can still play decently and keep my hand in. This included learning to site read.

9. Can do the splits seven different ways. Yeah, I'm pretty flexible, and while some of that is genes some of that is stretching dedication.

10. Have completed two half marathons. Not great times, but I finished.

11. Have fostered two kittens successfully.

12. Have a good relationship with my family. It continues to get better I think.

13. Broke through a giant personal blockage. Admitted things to myself I never wanted to admit and then realized it was better this way.

14. Learned how to do a front and back handspring. I'm not perfect at either and at the moment, probably out of practice. But I know how to do it.

15. Can cook. Better than the general population. I'm not could compete on Top Chef level, I don't have the knife skills for that kind of thing, but gourmet dinners are pretty easy.

16. Can bake. Bought myself a KitchenAid mixer for it.

17. Feel secure in my identity.

18. Been to a political issue rally/vigil.

19. Voted in every election I have been capable of voting in.

20. Donated blood several times. I've saved lives!

21. Learned to dance en pointe. Again, not something I'm genius at, but I can do more than rise up on my toes.

22. Have run up a down escalator in heels. (It's bloody fucking hard.)

23. Learned how to sew.

24. Lived 24 years without any regrets.

when did I go back to high school?

Seriously. I'm not one for drama. MInus the onstage sort.

But I'm known for having an opinion. I'm known for speaking my mind when I need to. I stand firm by what I say. I'm not a waffler. Plus there is a time to speak your opinion, such as if you are a member of a community and something is upsetting people on there, upsetting you and others but no one has said anything. Something has to say something. I don't mind saying something. I feel like I should. Communities don't work if there are people unhappy because of what other people are doing and something can indeed by done.

I'm a little annoyed that a select few are now vilifying me as if I'm solely to blame. Me and another community member got into a fight and things got a bit out of hand. I'm not going to go into all the details. Needless to say, we both did things that were not in the best interest. We both said things we shouldn't. She pushed, I pushed back, etc etc. Neither of us can fairly say we are in the right, and I haven't bothered to try.

I don't want to explain the whole situation here. But needless to say, other community members have gotten involved and it's turned into fucking high school. Only like dumbshit high school. Dramatized high school, as done by the media where it's like fighting and whatnot. Like mean girls style. It's so dumb. I wish people were more adult about this. Could recognize before they spoke up and put their nose in somewhere it doesn't belong (I know this might seem hypocritical but I spoke up about a community wide problem not about a feud between people who should be allowed to work it out on their own.) that there are always two sides to every story and it's doubtful either party is entirely innocent and that personal attacks weren't going to help matters.

Seriously? Why can't people be adults?

I want more kittens. They make better humans than humans.